My pillows lately are nothing more than reservoirs for tears I have still yet to cry. My heart needs a fresh coat of joy the same way an old fence needs paint. 2012 can best be described as the year that consistently kicked me in the gut. I don’t think there was one month where I didn’t throw something, curse, or cry. All I’m trying to do now is get through the last few days unscathed. Can I do it? I sincerely hope so. Today as I type, my mind is being assaulted with rebroadcasts of footage from what I consider to be one of the most difficult years of my life. A part of me looks eagerly to the New Year and all the promise it brings. Then there is another part of me staging a silent protest against the upcoming changes I will be forced to make in order to see those promises. For the past several weeks I’ve warred between these two opposing factions in my brain. Surrender looms on the horizon.
I gasp as vacant questioning eyes stained red from bouts of crying stare back at me in the mirror. My clothes don’t fit because my appetite has been on vacation for weeks now, and the unsuspecting public has no idea my smile is often forced and obligatory in nature. My heart runs on low power to conserve the energy I will need to operate in self-preservation mode. It’s not the mirror I have problems with it’s the “ME” standing in front of it. I know if I look deep within, I will find that there is more to me than meets the eye, and certainly more than makeup can cover. Every day of 2012 stretches out before me like carpet. Every spill, every mishap, every stain, everything I’ve stepped in good and bad leaves indelible footprints across it.
As the footage plays, I see everything in hindsight. I see the minutes I should’ve fought harder. I see the hours I could’ve surrendered sooner. I see the weeks I should’ve been stronger. I see the days I could’ve been weaker. The floodgates are now open and I relent as the onslaught of tears trickle down my face. I wonder what I missed when I stepped out of God’s will. I think about how I embarrassed heaven with ungodly words, thoughts, actions, and deeds. I think about how our lives can and do give testament to what we preach verses what we really practice. I think about how all of it one day will eventually work for my good. I think about the angels processing all of my pain and how they are being severely overworked. I wonder if these angels have it in them to stay and not leave like so many others.
Last night I was unable to sleep and I took that opportunity to talk to the Lord. I took that moment to expose old wounds and fresh scars. In essence, I showed Him all the places life hurt me in 2012. I wonder if maybe I am in too much of a rush to erase unkind people, unfamiliar places, and unfulfilled promises from my memory. I’m eager to press delete thinking somehow it will obliterate everything that’s wrong. Everyday wasn’t bad so what do I do with those same people, places, and promises? What do I do with the good days? God assures me the answers are forthcoming. Today In woke up feeling a bit better. I checked my schedule and I saw that I have quite a few openings for “Ugly Cry Time” available. God told me to take the time and let my tears wash away all the debris of 2012. You would be hard pressed to find anything that feels better than a touch from God. Last night I showed God where it hurts, and He touched me there!