Monday, October 15, 2012
Journal Entry 15 October 2012
There isn’t enough ink or paper in the world to accurately describe how off course I am. All the dreams, all the plans, and all the goals I started this year with seem to have fallen by the wayside. I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t pinpoint an exact date, but clearly I lost momentum several months ago. Now, weeks before this year is over, I feel as if the world has passed me by and I can’t seem to catch up. I can’t catch up because I honestly can’t seem to muster up the energy. I mean even if I took off running, I’d still be behind.
Lord, as I sit here and type, I wonder if 2013 will be better. I wonder if all the things I so desperately want and need can find their way to me. I wonder why everything seems so far from my grasp. I wonder why I am not able to stand up for myself the way I have in the past. I wonder why I’m not sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. I wonder where my inner strength is. I wonder why I want what“they” have. I wonder why I feel like a prop in everybody else’s story. I wonder where the man who is supposed to love and cherish me is. I wonder where the resources to get “it” all done are. I wonder what will come from all the tears I’ve cried. I wonder if the people who still hurt me ever think about how I’m doing. I wonder why I can’t sleep. I wonder why my smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes anymore. I wonder where my appetite for life is. I wonder why even what’s within reach, still seems so far. I wonder how I got here. I wonder how long I’ll stay here. I wonder why “it” hasn’t happened for me. I wonder what I did wrong. I wonder how long will I wait by the phone. I wonder why God won’t just do what I ask. I wonder how much longer. I wonder if the heartbreak I’m headed for will destroy me. I wonder if I’ll ever be completely whole. I wonder if anybody out there truly cares that I’m lost. I wonder how I’ll get through the holidays alone. I wonder where all the people heaven put in place for me are hiding. I wonder if the world will hear the songs I’ve written. I wonder why I put my heart in harm’s way again. I wonder where my voice is. I wonder why I still believe. I wonder if heaven will read my entry today and step in to help.
Lord, maybe, just maybe the fact that I’m wondering about so many things means I have hope. I wonder!
Amazed by Your Grace!