Thursday, March 15, 2012
Journal Entry 15 March 2012
It’s so good to see the sun after so many months of gray. I want to thank you Lord for allowing me to come to you and express my feelings as only I can as often as I can. Thank you for always listening to me even when I happen to repeat the same things over and over again. Lord, I welcome your advice, your leading and your Word even if it’s hard to understand right now. My emotions as I type this blog are as visible as the bright yellow shirt I’m wearing right, and I find myself entering a very odd season. I feel as though I’m constantly being surrounded by people I don’t think I will be able to bring myself to ever trust. This as you know is a very hard place for me because I tend to loathe relationships that are artificially sweetened with false humility. Lord, how do people simply gloss over their offenses to other people day after day, month after month, year after year, decade after decade? How do other imperfect people live as though they’ve not done anything wrong? Tell me, how is it possible that the people who’ve caused me so much pain think a couple of phone calls with a few well-placed words mean everything is somehow normal again? I don’t think I can do it again Lord! I don’t think I can have this person in my life because I simply don’t trust them, their words, their motives and most importantly their heart. A couple of phone calls do not make a relationship. Are people really this naïve? Explain it to me Lord, so that I understand. How is it a person who has lied on me, plotted against me, and used me ill for most of my adult life, think they can just send a voice mail one day and somehow it’s supposed to make up for years and years of manipulation, and deception? What are you doing Lord right now in my life? Why are these people I’ve let go pulling on me again?
The wall is going back up, it’s constructed out a fierce need to protect myself from people who continue to hurt me and yet I can also sense that you don’t want it there. To some degree, I think we all have walls protecting the most vulnerable part of ourselves, our hearts. Even as you are tearing it down Lord, I still feel sometimes like I need my wall. I need my wall because it protects me from family members who gossip about me and smile in my face, it protects me from other Believer’s at church plotting against me because they want a position I don’t even have, and it protects me even from myself. Maybe it’s not that the wall shouldn’t come down, but maybe it’s how you’re allowing it to crumble, how you’re deconstructing it. I suppose it’s the loss of control, but walls keep us safe. I don’t want to be left out in the open, an exposed target for other people’s fiery darts. What I’d really like to say is that I honestly get tired sometimes of turning the other cheek of always having to smile when I would much rather scream. How did Jesus do it? How did He keep His joy, His peace in the company of people He knew didn’t like Him? How did He keep His cool every time somebody tried to bait Him? How could He love people who wanted to kill Him? I don’t know what you’re trying to teach me right now, but I can probably guess that it is going to be a very hard lesson. I’ve always been a good student, but this is one test in which I am not all that eager to see my final grade.
Amazed By Your Grace