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Sunday, September 11, 2011

Journal Entry 11 September 2011

Most people can remember where they were that fateful day 10 years ago.  I myself had recently returned from vacationing in New York before tragedy turned this country upside down.   I remember staring up at the Towers in awe because I thought they reminded me of two gigantic steel lighthouses showing restless New Yorkers how to get back home.   I believe POP QUIZZES are given for no other reason than to determine what the students know or the lack thereof.  America is constantly being tested, but have we learned anything?  Apparently not, for when I read the newspaper,   hatred, war, crime, and poverty do not seem on the decline.  Lord if by chance someone were holding auditions for a “Couch Potato”, I honestly believe I would have been cast for the role today.  It was so weird too because it was such a beautiful day.  Rarely if ever, do I need any motivation beyond a blue sky and the sun shining on my face as an excuse to don a pair of flip flops and waste a tank of gas.  Today however, was a different kind of day for many reasons, and I guess I just needed to rest, reflect and possibly be refreshed through other means.  So don’t laugh when I tell you that I was able to find solace in the company of a romance novel.  I haven’t read a romance novel in years, but for a few brief hours I was able to live vicariously through the characters in the story.  Much to my chagrin, I remembered how much I liked them when I was younger even though the plots still seem a bit contrived and quite frankly, leave a lot to be desired.  What I’m trying to say Lord is the book kept me busy.  Maybe it’s selfish but I wasn’t interested in seeing a play by play of what happens when religious extremists go too far.  I know what this day means for so many of us and as I type this blog, unshed tears trickle down my cheek in remembrance of so many lives lost.  I want to REMEMBER and I want to FORGET! 

This has been an emotional week for me period, but every year on September 11th I strategize about how I can best remember my Father and “Flip” and not forget the other people who never made it home that day.  While most of the country still grieves as a Nation over the horrific events of that day, I remember my brother, my only brother, who for reasons still not known to me took his life.  As a Sister, I sometimes wrestle with guilt because I always wonder could the outcome been different?  I’m well past the initial anger, then inexplicable anger at you that I don’t have my father or my brother here and the real reasons behind their deaths.   I believe in your Sovereignty Lord, even if I don’t always understand how good can come from bad.  Lord, as I think about my Father and “Flip” today, I have to truly come to terms with the fact that you knew.  You knew from the moment they were formed that their time with me would be short.  The two men a woman needs most in her life: a father and a brother.  I guess I will always miss them most on this day, because every year the scab is peeled off my heart.   I only have to look at my twin nieces to remember life is going on.  I only have to exhale my own breath and know life is going on.  Healing is ongoing, even if we don't always stop to feel the hurt.  On a National level I will always know what this day signifies.   I am still shocked and amazed at how cruel WE ALL can be to one another.  How easy it is for hatred to RULE and MEASURE out the EXACT punishment on whomever it chooses.  All these years later the words needed to express the right sentiments of that day still do not come easily.  There simply are no words! The Twin Towers are gone, my Father is gone, my brother is gone, Lord, please be my lighthouse so I can always find my way home.

In Loving Memory,

Alan C. Welch Sr. (My Father)

Alan C. Welch Jr. (My Brother)

Love, Your Daughter and Sister, April

Amazed By Your Grace