Sunday, July 10, 2011
Most people don’t understand me or my relationship with God, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that He does. So every couple of months I find it absolutely necessary to throw a temper tantrum in front of God and all of heaven. I can’t recall the exact moment that led me down a dark and dangerous road this past Wednesday, but it must have been major to have interrupted my life for a few hours right? Not at all! I was simply frustrated! Why? Who knows? Maybe it was because I kept dropping stitches on the chemo cap I was knitting, maybe it was because as an African –American woman, I sometimes feel overlooked by the rest of the world, maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the deadline I have to meet, maybe it was the fact it costs more to fill up my gas tank than to heat or cool my home or maybe it was just my own reluctance to deal with those things that truly STILL bother me. I won’t to go into details for God knows. He knows! He sees! He cares! He listens! He understands! He loves me still!
A 40 year old woman with two kids throwing a temper tantrum, is it juvenile? Probably! Is it cathartic on levels that can’t be explained to “perfect” people? Certainly! Is it probably entertaining to my Heavenly Father? Sure! So why do I continue to do it? It’s simple! He is God! My relationship with God is on such a level that I should be able to act like a spoiled brat every once in a while. My angry outbursts to God remind me that I’m human and that there is still much work to do. Progress is a constant state of motion in the life of a Christian. Progress isn’t some adult daycare where God drops me off and comes to pick me up every couple of years. It is a continual place I have to want to get to but in order to go progress, sometimes I have to park in vulnerable places. I have to look at the scale, I have to look at my credit score, I have to look at the hours I waste, and I have to look at ME! There are days I know I need a spiritual nap, a spiritual whipping, even a spiritual “time out”! I’m grateful that God allows me to writhe in my pain , my anger, my frustration, all of it and He alone gives me the space to pout, shout, curse whatever I need to do, and in love He tells me immediately after to go fix my face so I can play with the other boys and girls. No matter how many Bible verses I read, no matter how many times I attend church this year, no matter how many prayers I lift up, there will always be something underneath my “Spiritual’ exterior that bubbles to the surface. I think any Believer who ignores this fact isn’t living in reality. For me it’s just more confirmation that I can’t do anything without the help of the Holy Spirit! I think if God’s work in me were done, I’d be in heaven right now lying out on a soft cloud catching a few rays. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the bulk of my preparation for heaven takes place right here in a mean and often cruel world. Isn’t it funny, if it weren’t for how bad I felt this past Wednesday, I wouldn’t be telling you how good God still is on this Sunday?