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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Journal Entry 01 September 2011


Lord you are so awesome in the way that you lavish love on me.  Now that I am playing a more active role in my church, it is rare that I get to sit.  I don’t mind at all thanks to the invention of the podcast.  I am thoroughly enjoying being an Usher.  It’s not a glamorous position and I highly doubt many people would covet it, but I love it. I really love it.  It’s a perfect place for people like me who prefer the nuances of the background and not the spotlight.  I think I’ve been in Mary and Martha (huge emphasis on Martha) mode for the past several weeks. Whether it’s my two wonderful kids, the church, reading, journaling, crocheting or the numerous other things I do, there are those days I think I am not able to get anything done because I am trying to stay busy. Martha was way too busy wasn’t she? Too busy trying to an impression on you when she should’ve allowed you to make an impression on her.  We get like that don’t we?  We lose ourselves in being busy.  I know it all too well. Every day I usually try to get up and get out of the house, staying gone as long as I can just so I can feel like I’ve done something with the time you’ve given me.  Last night I was allowed to exhale.  

Last night I could not wait to get to church, and it wasn’t until the Benediction that I truly understood why.  I needed to make my way to the altar.  There were so many things I needed to unload on you Lord, and well today, today my shoulders feel especially light.  I pride myself on knowing a lot of words, but last night, I couldn’t find a single one to express what I wanted to say to you. I’m just so thankful that I was able to mumble a few words to one of our awesome Pastors and he was able to make sense of it.  Lord this man started praying for me and somehow he was able to say to you what I couldn’t say to him.  What I took from the experience is that I just needed a few minutes to let you refresh me.  It was such a wonderful moment to be attended to by your awesome presence.  I don’t get why I couldn’t find the words because I am pretty darn good at expressing myself.  Just a few moments in your presence at the altar with other Believer’s and I felt like today I got a new start.  Does that make any sense to you Father? I could truly sense the presence of angels lifting spiritual baggage from my arms.  I don’t have to tell you what I’ve been carrying, even more than that, I’m glad I no longer have to. 

The seasons have already begun to change, and with the change of seasons comes an uncomfortable determination to stay where I am.  One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned since turning 40 is that in order for me to grow constantly, I must continually die to self.  What a poignant statement that is.  Doubt is so subtle in how it starts as a gentle whisper and somehow learns how to use its voice against your hopes, your dreams and your plans for our lives.  I’ve overcome many doubts over the past several years.  Doubts about whom I am, where I’m going, and the mode of transportation you’ve chosen to get me there.  I don’t always see doubt as a bad thing, namely because doubt allows me to depend on you more.  Doubt has an uncanny ability to direct me right to you, even if my thoughts delay me for a while.  I can always come to you even when I doubt, so how could there be shame in that?  You are my Heavenly Father and laying it all at the altar should be a regular occurrence in my life.  Last night I needed to cry.  Last night I needed to pray in the Spirit.  Last night I needed to have someone pray for me.  Last night I needed to be in the company of other Believer’s.  Last night I needed to be refreshed because I am entering a new season.

 Amazed by Your Grace




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