Friday, July 1, 2011
Journal Entry 01 July 2011
Journal Entry 01 July 2011
Rest and sleep, two very important characteristics of a spirit filled life and I have not had either in an abundant supply in a very long time. The funny thing Lord ,is that I know why. I seem to be very distracted these days. It seems I am distracted by everything and nothing at all at the same time. Everyday life seems to tug on me at every fiber of my being. It could only be your strength that keeps me from falling apart. There are times I am able to soar above it all and then there are other times, I simply wish beyond hope that you fly me straight through the turbulence towards my destination. Everything about my life seems so random at times, like there’s no plan, no order and no real destination. I kind of like the unknown though as long as I’m traveling with you. Some days are simply harder to get through than others. I think I have a very bad habit of soaking up too much internally. I believe I think too much huh? I always have. I guess I’m not sure if it is a gift or a curse. I feel so much internally lately, and it wears me down. I find myself needing an extra glass of wine at night to take the edge off. Problems that aren’t even mine, I feel the weight. Sadness that isn’t even mine, I feel the weight. I feel it everywhere: injustice, intolerance, racial hatred, division, strife, the haves and the have not’s I feel it.
What’s on my mind these days?
My Children: I wonder what kind of a world they will continually have to grow up in. I wonder if living in the suburbs blinds them to the racial intolerance still bubbling to the surface. Specifically, I worry about my Son. A young gifted African– American male who is doing what society expects and yet he will always be looked upon in a negative light because of the color of his skin, and those intrusive racial stereotypes. I wonder what the world will tell my Daughter when they see that she isn’t a size 0. Will they love her bright eyes, her honey colored skin, and her fearlessness? What kind of world awaits my babies?
My Purpose: I am gifted in so many areas. Should I narrow the list down some? I am also passionate about my beliefs, my dreams, and my goals. Sometimes I wonder will I ever get “there” and why does it seem like everybody else has passed me by? Am I even keeping a good pace at all?
My Finances: Will there ever be enough? Needs and wants sometimes I place them on the wrong list. There are days Lord when I get tired of handling so much on my own. When my tire gets a flat, I have no earthly father or big brother to call. It’s all on me!
My Body: Where do I begin? I am going through some weird metamorphosis and I can’t put a finger on it. Aging is a natural process, but I look so different at times. I feel like I’m getting shorter and wider by the minute. Everything about me is changing. Gravity is force to be reckoned with for sure. My skin is seems to have a mind of its own. I like to think those are laugh lines, but more often than not, I think they’re deep wrinkles. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a very attractive woman, I’m just getting older.
The World in General: Lord, this world gets more depraved by the minute. Highly organized groups with ungodly agendas are now trying to bully people into going against what you’ve already said in your Word. Groups like PETA, GLAAD, and the ACLU are going after anyone that doesn’t buy into their “world” view. People have taken to “labeling” other people as Homophobic simply because they choose to believe wholeheartedly in what you’ve said and not what everybody else is doing. It’s scary! The entire world has turned into one big vile, disgusting cesspool of wickedness, selfishness and ME, ME, ME! Will I wake up one day and it will be illegal to mention your name? Help me to stand on the Word as evil shrouds this world in darkness.
My Love Life: Of everything this is actually the least of my concerns. Deep down I know the circumstances surrounding my upbringing have a lot to do with my distrust of a love all my own. I’ve made giant strides in reclaiming my heart. It’s just so much to work though. I’ve not had anyone to show me what love really looks like on an earthly level. There have not been any good examples in my family either. How incredibly sad! When I catch glimpse of myself in the mirror, I often say, “I look like a child that should’ve been surrounded by love!” I think I often put love last and I do it on purpose. I like to tell myself that I am probably protecting some poor man from what I grew up in. I don’t know if that’s fair to a man I’ve never met or to myself.
Lord, help me to make sense of it all. Help me to continually simply what’s significant! Protect me from my own attempts to delay my destiny. Heal my hurts! Fight my foes! Most of all, give me rest so I can sleep!
Amazed By Your Grace!