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Friday, April 1, 2011

Journal Entry 01 April 2011

Lord in about 29 days I will transition into adulthood. Yeah I know I’ve been legal for some time, but turning 40 is innately surreal. I’m still in a highly reflective state. Lately it’s been the people I’ve been burdened with praying for that’s allowed me to feel even more grateful. Is it strange to catch glimpses of ourselves in other people’s lives as we grow older? I watch celebrities’ battle demons and I’m just thankful. I’m not sure if I’m built for fame but I do know what it is like to battle my own demons. I know what it is to cry, to feel abandoned by friends and family, I know what it’s like to wonder if you’re on the right path, to have people happy to see me fall and I know what it’s like to question your will. Lord, I freely admit I don’t understand many things, but I believe you. I believe you love me, that your plans are to prosper me, and finally that I am not the colossal mistake I once pegged myself as.


It’s so funny how a night in with the girl’s began a new hobby that is helping me to gain more life experience. I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit and or crochet. I’m not sure why, but I seemed to pick up crocheting with ease. Though I’ve only been doing it for a couple weeks, there are life lessons I’m yet learning. I’ve sat for hours making repetitive chains with that crochet hook hoping I make something either you or I can recognize. The biggest lesson thus far is how clearly visible my mistakes are. Crocheting allows me one luxury. If I catch my mistakes in enough time, I can simply unravel that chain, fix it and go on. Oh Lord, if life were really that simple. I’ve made some mistakes in my life I don’t think a crochet hook can fix. I’ll just leave the unraveling to you. Crochet reminds me of life in that a basic chain is the foundation for every sweater, afghan, scarf, pot holder or baby blanket. In two weeks I’ve managed to find myself excited to go the craft store. I now stand in aisles looking at worsted yarn, and crochet hooks as if I were picking out greeting cards. I will keep practicing my stiches, remembering that every chain supports the one above it. Even in my frustration with trying to figure out a chain stitch from a treble stitch, a single crochet stitch from a half double crochet stitch, I believe Lord that you are proud of me for trying. I got so frustrated one night with a single crochet stitch but I heard you tell me to slow down and try again. Doesn’t this sound just like real life? I have to do that with the other 4 stitches. I have to keep trying. I thank you Lord that you can use anything to speak to me. What’s truly amazing is that I feel no shame in asking you for help even with crocheting. I really believe everything concerning me concerns you.

Lord I also wanted to express my thanks. I am officially a member of the church I’ve been attending for over a year. I’m so glad this time I didn’t just join because I was emotional or the choir sang a song I liked. I took my sweet time and I now I have peace about it. It’s the church I’ve always wanted to belong to. I nearly suffocated to death at my last church under legalism, church cliques and false humility. l guess it all goes back to those foundational chains in crochet. Maybe I’m just at a place in my life where life is better because of what and who my foundation is built upon, and that is your Word Lord and you. I love you Father!
Amazed By Your Grace!

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