My Joy Is Contagious Make Sure You Catch It!

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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Journal Entry 04 August 2010

Lord, why are some people able to get away with what they’re doing for so long seemingly with no repercussions? Why are some people allowed to manipulate every situation so that they always look completely innocent? Lord, why are some family members placed on such high pedestals and others considered black sheep? Lord, why do so many people remain silent when they see other people being wronged? Lord, will I always have to be the gracious one when clearly it’s the other person(s) involved who owe me an apology or at the very least, a certain degree of respect? Maybe it is the unanswered questions presently disturbing my psyche. My best friend tells me often that I am long overdue for an extra extended break. I just feel like I really need to get away from people who have hurt, persecuted, misused, and trampled upon me for far too long. I don’t think the word tired aptly describes how I’ve felt lately, but numb, lethargic, and listless certainly come to mind. I am very proud of myself for keeping my feelings in check even though deep seeded annoyance and frustration at so much crouches at my door. The events of late have brought everything full circle for me. When people show me who they really are, I have no choice but to believe them and file a copy away in my mental rolodex for future reference. What’s most troublesome for me is the unfair treatment I’ve received for years while the “heir apparent” was allowed a “free pass.” I doubt anybody but me can see how much silence, guilt, favoritism, and an unwillingness to admit wrong has cost us all. One thing is certain this is not my burden to carry anymore. I am no longer going to be responsible for how people treat me, only my response to how they treat me.  Too much has happened and I haven’t had time to process any of it. Last night on the phone I told my best friend I wished to climb to the top of a mountain and scream to the top of my lungs. I appreciate her not thinking I was being silly. I doubt she would ever think I was silly since she’s had to endure hours of my “venting”. Lord I am tired though! I am tired of being overlooked, left out, and forsaken, not by you but by those who profess to care about me. I often find myself wondering if anybody truly prays or cares for me at all. I am not ashamed to throw out yet another “fleece” in hope of gaining some clarity. Lord I confess that I am at the end of my rope, and the only thing I know to do now is tie a knot and hang on. I need to get away for a while. I am humble enough to seek you and ask you to help me until I can get some things sorted out and I wouldn’t dream of asking you to guide my steps if I weren’t willing to move my feet. I just need a drastic change right now. I’ve been considering moving abroad but I’d like to know what you think about it. All things considered, even if its strangers in a foreign land, I’d rather be celebrated than be around people who only tolerate me.

Amazed by Your Grace!

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