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My Joy Is Contagious Make Sure You Catch It!

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Friday, December 18, 2009

Journal Entry 18 December 2009


Lord I didn’t care how cold it was today, I needed some air. Usually I won’t venture outside in bad weather unless church or Starbucks is involved but the air in my house got to be too stale. I apologize for forgetting to turn the CD player on for the angels that house sat for me (lol). I should really be ashamed there is an undeniable imprint of my body engraved in my couch. I put it there Lord with hardly any effort. An old acquaintance contacted me this afternoon. I never ever expected to hear from this person again. Are they on your side, on mine? If not, remove them from my life. Lord was the text even genuine? The text caught me off guard especially when I read how I’d been on their mind for some time. Was that text bait? Were those carefully constructed words meant to lure me in emotionally? I’ve cast my net way out in the deep to let go and yet some fish refuse to release my hook. I’m unsure if I should give my consent to having this person in my life again. So I need to ask you what to do about it. I don’t understand Lord. Can people really be so glib about how they’ve treated me? People think they can do whatever they want and I’m supposed to be fine with it. I’m not alright with it Lord. I’ve had so many people hurt me this year. I let them go, so why the hell would they want to come back? Somebody should care Lord what happens to me. Somebody should care that they ignored me, lied on me, mistreated me, hurt me. Why doesn’t it matter? Why doesn’t anybody notice? Why doesn’t anybody stand up and say something? You are the only one who can make some things right, and I keep waiting. I guess it’s the casual way people handle my feelings that gnaw on me. The only rationale I can muster is this: the reason nobody cares is because it didn’t happen to them. One thing is certain, I’m no magazine article to be glossed over.
I’m not into Horoscopes but I’m a Taurus who comes across others who share my sign. We all share similar characteristics: fiercely loyal, protective, and we when we hurt, you know it. It’s like we “internalize” hurt in a deeper way. I don’t take hurt lightly, my wrongdoings, my misdeeds, my wrong words, even my body language, I think about it, and there’s nothing casual about it. Is it really that easy to despitefully use people and assume you can come and go as you please? I really don’t get it! I don’t know if waiting until I get to glory will suffice in my quest to have answers to life’s most perplexing questions. There are just things I wish to understand. I’m doing right by coming to you with everything great or small. Thank you Lord always for allowing me the freedom of expressing what I feel. I’m a roller coaster up and down, round and round, but such is life. A new decade is within reach. Ten years Lord, where did they go? Where am I today? I’m still on track but it sure does appear to be taking many modes of transportation to reach my appointed destination. Why do some days seem stagnate, like rushing waters being held by an impossible boulder. Why is there so much, so many in my way? It screams of something wonderful in my destiny doesn’t it? It has too Lord. There can be no other explanation except that “greatness” is all over me.
In a few days the world will celebrate Christmas in my opinion, its one day on our calendar no more or less significant than other days. Why can’t we give love, show love not because it’s Christmas but because it’s needed? Should calendars be responsible for dictating the days we love each other? I don’t think so. I’ve watched shopper’s scurry through store aisles hoping to stumble across some token to express what should emanate from within. Love can’t be wrapped up. Love ought to resemble wrapping paper. I like the image of a big mountain of wrapping paper, just a huge mess strewn all over the place. Lord shouldn’t love look like that? Love ought not to be neat and perfect. Love should make lots of noise! It should mimic the tearing of wrapping paper. I remember Christmas mornings, my mother was such a neat freak we handed her the wrapping paper as we unwrapped our gifts. Pay close attention Lord next Friday. Watch how quick the wrapping paper is discarded. It makes me think of love being thrown away.
What will the next ten years be like? How many journals will I fill up with accounts of my life? I’m excited! I hope to have accomplished more for the Kingdom. I hope to fully understand more of my purpose for being here at such a time as this. I’m leaving a lot of debris in this decade. It’s pointless to carry trash another ten years. Anymore weight put on shoulders and I’ll be completely crippled by maggots eating away at my spirit. I can’t do it anymore. I have to let go, my very life depends on it. In this next decade I won’t make excuses or rationalize what’s clearly truth. In this next decade I won’t keep trying to rely on people made of flesh and blood. Lord you and you alone are my first response not my last resort. I’ve been a little quiet these past few days. I’m processing, reassessing, and finalizing key areas in my life. The closure I need Lord can only come from you. Closure is needed in so many areas before I walk into 2010. I’m not giving you a deadline, I’m just writing out loud. Whatever you have for me Lord I receive it by faith. I thank you for taking such good care of me.
Amazed by your grace!