My Joy Is Contagious Make Sure You Catch It!

I always tell people that any day above ground is a good day! I hope your day is wonderful and blessed! Feel free to share your thoughts!
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Friday, November 6, 2009

Writing Out Loud 05 November 2009

People often pop into my mind and I am never sure why. Yesterday a lady I hadn’t seen at church in awhile was put on my heart. I don’t know why but I sent her a little message just to make sure she was alright. We all want to believe that our lives are so busy and complicated that not even a few seconds can be spared except on ourselves. We walk around with our hands free devices and laptops looking like we got it “going on.” Yet there are people right under our noses who are love starved for somebody, anybody to just give a damn. You see them all the time they roam the corridors of your schools, office buildings, soccer fields, churches, and malls. We with our self absorbed selves are so important we pass them by because we’re so engrossed in our own self importance. That person that bumped into you didn’t mean anything by it. I would even venture to say that some people bump into us just so they can feel human contact. I am not shocked by the events of yesterday or the past week for that matter. I am saddened. The world isn’t the same hasn’t been since Genesis 3. The real back story here is that according to the Word of God more horrible things are to come.
I always find it strange that after a tragedy strikes everybody seems so interested in sporadic sound bytes of a person’s life. Why don’t we care more about victims and victimizer’s before people lose their lives? We throw mud on each other our entire lives and as soon as tragedy strikes we throw roses. By no means do I advocate the taking of another person life, I just know there is more to the story than what we’re told by ambitious reporters looking to score ratings. I can see it now, reporters scrambling to dig up every unpaid parking ticket or unreturned library book. People care more about the headlines than the real story behind them. Nobody cared about this man before 1329 yesterday. Sad isn’t it? I bet he displayed all the “classic” signs that something was amiss. I wonder how many people he “bumped” into. To add to this tragedy is the fact that this person responsible has a distinctive foreign name. Will he be a monster simply because of what he did or because his name isn’t John Smith and he did something horrible? We’d all be better served if we paid more attention to others rather than our jobs, cars, and houses. I know, I know you don’t care because none of this happened to you right? Wrong answer! The next time someone “bumps” into you what will you do?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Journal Entry 05 November 2009

Lord I am still in awe as I think about how far you have brought me. I know it sounds cliché but you really are who you say you are, and you really are able to do what you say you will do. I refused to wholly let you in Lord because I thought you’d be just like everybody else in my life. Why would you love me? Why would you even want me when nobody else seemed to notice I was here? When I was a little girl I remember thinking you gave each of us everything we needed off a conveyer belt. I used to think that when it came my time to pass before you that somehow you turned your head and I didn’t get everything I needed to make it in life. I thought Lord that you had failed me. I thought if I made you mad enough you’d just leave like everybody else. So I kept you at bay thinking I could play games with you. I thought I could box you in. I thought I could control you. I thought I could treat you like a common man. Boy was I wrong! You are so much bigger than the gray matter between my ears. You love me! You really love me! You make me smile and I like thinking I make you smile too!
You have become everything to me because you taught me how to submit, how to lean, how to let go. Lord, I am very impressed with you and what it has taken is for me to grow spiritually. You have given me a confidence and a boldness I never had before. Some might mistake it for something else but, I know it’s simply an understanding of who I really am in you. Remember how it was in the early days? I remember you standing outside the doors of my heart wanting to be invited in. You are such a freaking gentleman, never forcing yourself but waiting on me to extend the invitation. Because of all the heartache I’ve had to endure I equated your love with human love. Lord you are not common, not in the least. I have to laugh now because probably the most noticeable occurrence is how you have transformed me into a lady. I remember when I hated dresses, make-up, or clothing that required ironing. Now look at me, I iron, I wear skirts, high heels, make-up, and colors other than black. I never cared who I gave my body to or how horribly a man treated me. This month I will celebrate another year of celibacy. It’s more than wanting better it’s knowing I deserve better.
I’ll never know why my earthly father took his life, why he wasn’t strong enough to stay here for his little girl. It’s hurt me not knowing or thinking even as a baby that somehow I caused it. The one thing I’ve wanted most in my life is a Father. I always wanted to know what it felt like to be someone’s little girl. I always wanted to know how it felt to lay in a Father’s arms and cry, or laugh whatever I wanted to do. I always wanted to know what it felt like to know I was safe. I always wanted to know what it felt like I didn’t have to “run”. Now Lord I want to know what it feels like to rest. Now I feel like I am 38 years overdue for a long rest. Rest from my enemies, rest from anything not sent from heaven’s post office. I feel like I’ve been running all my life because I have never felt settled. I couldn’t sleep because of the “monster” who abused me in my room at night. I couldn’t sleep because I lay in cold urine too afraid to move until morning. I couldn’t rest because a cloud of darkness has been chasing me. I’ve always wanted a Father and I realize now that I’ve always had one in you. You are the “daddy” I want to come home and tell about my day. You are the “daddy” I want to tell about preaching my first sermon. You are the “daddy” I want to tell about the man who will change my last name. Things I dared dream were possible now really are: deliverance, reconciliation, financial breakthrough, new levels, even a man who loves me. All this is possible Lord because of you never giving up on me. That’s why some days when I’m driving in my car I have to pull over and cry. That’s why I have to dance. That’s why I lift my hands. That is why I can lay on my face and not care that people are muttering “it don’t take all that.” That is why I can smile. I learned in an instant how I just need to get out of your way.  I learned that you don’t need my help, only my obedience. There is such a hope in knowing that I can bear all of this because you believe in me. I can’t fully explain what it’s like to know that you, the Almighty God thinks so highly of a wretch like me. I could never write it all. It is too much but I’ll keep trying.
Amazed by your grace!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Journal Entry 01 November 2009

I love to imagine Lord that when I speak to you, I’m sitting in your lap. I am really enjoying having a father who is reachable, palpable, and so lovable. Just last night I had to admit that I didn’t know how to give you a few problems. I just said take it off of me. In the past few years Lord, I’ve needed you in ways I never knew I could. I am proud to wear the moniker “work in progress”. My journals have really stacked up over the years. I’m days away from starting a new one. I can’t wait to see what I’ll write in this one. Lord the progress I’ve made spiritually is beyond belief. When I look at myself I know without a doubt that you did it. Deliverance is mine and I am enjoying being set free from legalism, religion, and most of all people.
I love that you convict me, there’s such an indescribable freedom in that. Thank you for showing me in the Word where to go for the issues I face now: Philippians 4:2-4, 1 Corinthians 16:9, Psalms 27, and my favorite Psalms 56:8, they’re really ministering to me Philippians especially. I am not sure if I am Euodia or Syntyche but what I will say is that I am convicted every time I read it. I’ve grumbled, murmured, complained and voiced my opinion on matters not making them better but worse to the detriment of the Gospel. That’s how I know you love me because you correct me just like a father would. I’m so thankful Lord that you really listen to me. I’ve always had an inquisitive mind that thirsts for knowledge. None of my questions no matter how bizarre bother you. I just love that! You may not answer me when I like or how I like, but I know you’re attentive. It’s awesome to see and feel love.
I’ve been through so much in my life. So much so I wish the people who seem to “hate” me so much knew. They don’t know how I have had to leave church just so “they” couldn’t see me cry. They don’t know how I have had to struggle with suicide, depression, and loneliness. They don’t know that there’ve been times when suicide seemed to be my only feasible option. It’s something to look back on a time when death seduced me so sweetly with a bottle of pills and now the sun gives me the determination to live. Today’s sermon really helped me it was a turning point in many ways. Everything I’ve been lamenting about lately was covered. I felt like I was at a major crossroads but I got my answer. I was called to this church and I have to stay here. The enemy isn’t going to just let me “walk” into my destiny. It would be easy to pick up and leave but I have to stay and fight. Lord thank you for literally instructing me to “get up”, pick my cross back up and continue to carry it as I walk out my salvation.
I realized today that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. I am still trying to process everything that happened today Lord. I have been rendered speechless but technology helps with this. Lord I don’t know what to say. Whenever I utter the words thank you they never seem to fully describe in enough detail how truly thankful I am at all you have done. I love you Lord so very much. I am so proud to be your daughter. Thank you for giving me the grace to walk in church today with my head held high not in arrogance but humility.

Amazed by your grace!