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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Journal Entry 10 December 2009


Lord I wanted to get a serious work out this morning but Jack Frost only allowed me to hit the snooze button once. It was so dark outside I really thought I’d woke up before you lol. 10 days in and my future is still shaping up nicely. Lord what’s it been almost 5 years now? Healed! My doctor got on me about my cholesterol, and I promised to do better. I’m not worried about my weight. It was a blistery 2 degrees this morning so I like to think the extra 15 pounds I put on since last year (don’t have a clue how they attached themselves to my body), kept me from blowing away. I needed some good news! I’ve had so much coming against me from so many directions. When I pray, I like to think I’m just reminding you of all the promises found in the Word. So in this situation I said “Lord the Word says that I am healed, and redeemed from sickness.” You esteem your Word higher than your own name and you move when we give your Word back to you. It’s not magic, its mountain moving faith. As I understand it we’ve each been given a measure of faith right? All of us could move mountains in our lives huh?
I was really just a lemon on a car lot. You spotted me and said “I want her.” You purchased me with all my scratches, dents, and rust. I’m salvageable, I’m repairable! Most of life is normal wear and tear but I need you to do major overhauling. You got strong arms and you seem really great at heavy lifting. You can have it Lord, all these dents, and scratches. Restore me Lord and put me back on the lot in pristine condition. You’ve been the absolute best Father to me. It’s been in the quiet pre-dawn hours I’ve needed you most! Those nights I couldn’t get to sleep, I called and instantly you answered. I’ve had so much to say lately, so much has been bottled up. I reached a new level with you. We’re communicating back and forth. I’m talking so much because I don’t ever want you to forget what my voice sounds like. I don’t want you to let me go. Hold on to me God. So many people just let me go. Make sure I’m okay. Allow me to talk, even if I have to repeat it several times. When I tell you repeatedly “I’m tired” or “this hurts me” I mean it! I do sort of feel like “Mack” in The Shack. I asked you to let me have a place where we could talk in private and I have that. I’m assured that what we talk about is between us. You gained by trust by using so many of the “issues” I deal with to show me who you are. I have to keep writing because I want somebody to know you can be trusted.

You’ve had experience yourself with hurt. Your family mistreated you, poked fun at you, and doubted your sanity. More than a few people tried to get you to prove yourself. You were betrayed by someone who walked closely with you. You do understand. Lord you’ve seen me through nightmares, flashbacks, cold sweats, fits of anger, bouts of depression, wet sheets, drenched pillows, and clenched fists. I’m still here! You love me! I keep seeing evidence of this. Remember all those years ago when I had serious doubts about your credibility? Remember when I was mad at you? Remember how I gave you the middle finger? Remember I told you I hated you? Remember I asked you to leave me alone? Remember when I cursed you? Remember when I begged you to let me die? I was furious at you God. I blamed you for things that happened to me even things I caused. I bet I sounded just like Adam when he blamed Eve huh? It’s all going to work out! It’s working out! It’s just not the way I expected. It’s hard to step outside of your own problems and see others going through too. When it’s you, you tend to feel like you’re the only one. There were days Lord I when I know I didn’t want to hear a bible verse and I told you so. I just wanted you to ‘fix” it and make it go away. It is perfectly okay for me to freely express my misgivings, displeasure, tell you I don’t understand, I’m pissed, I don’t want to be bothered, and you don’t look at me strange. You just love me. Trials are going to come. You never said they wouldn’t but you told me to cheer up because I could overcome them. I’m enduring. I’m overcoming.
Amazed by your grace!















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