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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Journal Entry 01 December 2009



Well Lord this day certainly started off with a bang didn’t it? It’s too funny because today I actually start my brand new journal. I see every blank page as a written progression into the person you’ve created me to be. I keep your words filed away in my mental rolodex. You told me that in October you were dealing with my PAST, in November you were dealing with my PRESENT, in December you were dealing with my FUTURE and in January you said I won’t be able to comprehend what you are going to do. How appropriate then that I start my new journal on December 1st! I’m so thrilled! As I put my old journal away I flipped through a couple entries and reacquainted myself with my dreams, longings, needs, wants, expectations, and hopes for the future. You know what I discovered? I am still on track! None of the discouragement nothing has caught you by surprise. Probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that HATERS come PRE-PACKAGED with my PROMISE! Absolutely nothing has changed and I believe that is because YOU haven’t changed. You are still the same faithful, loving, merciful Father. So despite the enemy’s blatant attempts to derail me, I know emphatically that YOU are who YOU say YOU are. You keep showing yourself to me in ways I understand like through a passage in a book, a song or the sun shining in my darkest moments. It’s usually not what or how I expect. It makes perfect sense too after what I learned last week at Bible Study you are still speaking, just in varying ways.
I really had to pull over this morning and let the “news” sink in but I’ve since recovered. I think I was unable to cry because I was just so numb. I know you enough Lord to know that NOTHING is impossible for you. This “circumstance” though it’s causing havoc in my life, has already been worked out. I know this because I saw the sun again right as I merged back into traffic. Lord I’ve been VIOLATED in the worst way imaginable. I’ve taken preemptive measures to keep myself safe. I know everything IS alright. I see how a lot of things that happen to me keep taking me back to when I was sexually abused. I don’t want to live my life forever feeling like everybody that comes near me is going to molest me. Do you see Lord how a lot of these instances in my life I “told” someone in an authoritative position and they either disregarded or mishandled my pleas for assistance, like this morning? I laugh every time I look at my birth certificate because it’s proof that I do exist and not a complete and utter waste of sperm? Just once Lord, I NEED the right people to be in place to help me, like right NOW. Just once I wish someone on a human level would just do right by me. This is something I know only you can resolve internally. Lord on a human level my trust in people in general has been shaken since childhood.  Everytime I give somebody my trust they abuse it!  Again you lead me to the Word for answers Zechariah 10:3-11:3 you confirmed that spiritual leaders or those in authority who abuse their power ignite your anger and they will not escape your punishment. It’s just one more reason to believe you are paying attention to everything concerning my life. I’ve seen arrogance and piousness a lot lately, but Godly confidence is altogether different. Godly confidence allows you to listen to the jeers, watch the stares, and sit right in the presence of your enemies in anticipation of a Godly resolution. Who am I to question why all these painful things happen to me right on top of each other? I know I’ve barely had time to catch my breath but I know I’m still breathing and that means I’m alive! Lord help restore my faith in humanity. It’s by divine appointment people are placed in my life. If you trust them enough to place them in my life I want to be able to trust them too. If the “news” I received just a few hours ago were any indication, I’d say my breakthrough is right around the corner. That is why I refuse to let anybody tell me who I am NOT! I refuse to accept anything from anybody contrary to what you’ve said about me, regardless of WHO says it. I asked YOU to show me who YOU are, what YOU look like, and what YOU sound like. The enemy wishes to undermine my trust in you by slowly chipping away at my resolve through trials. Lately all these trials have done is drawn me nearer to thee. If I didn’t know you right now at this exact moment, my car could easily plunge into freezing water. I know better! I want to live! I want to see how it all turns out. I appreciate how you remind me Lord to really LISTEN not just HEAR what people speak into my spirit. Thank you Lord also for reminding me that once you’ve given a person the truth and they do nothing with it it’s not on ME anymore. It is like a slap in the face but it’s really YOUR face that’s being slapped.  It brings the point home to watch what people DO not what they SAY especially when they’re backed up by false humility. My sister and I have rejoiced many times over this verse before we began to fast: Daniel 10: 12 Then he continued, Do not be afraid, Daniel, since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before God, your words were heard. I’ve been mulling over this verse all day and I thank you for it brings me great comfort in this my hour of need.
p.s. Lord you know I have a doctor’s appointment next week…..I refuse to drive 40miles to get a bad report (lol)I speak that I am still tumor free in the name of Jesus. I speak against any suggestion of a hysterectomy or any other invasive procedure. I speak that I am completely healed! Heavenly Father I need a miracle TODAY! Continue to increase my faith and just move on my behalf. Put the person with the answer in my path TODAY! I love you Daddy! Thank You again for stopping everything to listen to me.
Amazed by your grace!

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