Monday, November 23, 2009
Journal Entry 23 November 2009
Lord you are awesome! Yesterday was a huge step in the right direction! All I could see reconciliation, restoration and respect in the atmosphere and it was beautiful. When I show all my teeth you know that’s when I’m really happy! People often ask me why I’m always writing and I tell them because I am always learning. Yesterday’s sermon was meat and I’m still chewing on it. If we dared to be honest we all would have to admit YOU were talking to ALL of us! That’s usually how I can distinguish between you and man “ONE WORD FITS ALL”. A lot of people don’t understand but you never waste anything, not one tear, not one moment. I could feel everybody’s eyes on me asking “ is that her?” and it’s so amusing! Usually the people who only ooh and ahh are the ones are the least likely to add anything but noise to a situation. Lord you told me that I was a leader a long time ago but I believe you now. I truly am the type of person you use to accomplish your purposes not because I follow the most traveled path but because I don’t. Yesterday, even last week was such a teachable moment and I hope everyone was able to glean something from it. I’m proud that people can see that we’re ALL human and capable of everything sometimes but being spiritual. I came away from last week with a renewed sense of hope of what you can do. I truly did and I feel so much better. I keep saying the more I release, the better my posture is. It’s reassuring not scary to know that even our shepherd is human too. I got a clearer picture of his humanity. He is just like me not necessarily superior, just human! I wish we could all just admit it more and be secure when we do that it’s okay. We all wear shame to a degree like a well tailored garment. The altar is where we need to strip ourselves of strongholds placed on us by ourselves and others. I hope Lord you release the man of God to do more altar calls where people feel free to disrobe. I hope one Sunday there is no music, no singing, nothing, just EVERYBODY on their faces before you. I bet if we all saw each other naked maybe we’d laugh and see how ridiculous we all are! The more transparent we all are, the better off we’ll be. I like that I’ve made mistakes publicly because it’s allowed me Lord to see what you and only you are capable of. You are capable of taking public mishaps and turning them into perhaps private ministry for others. I also love that I’ve been able to forgive publicly because again it allows others to see what you can do if we let you. Lord your sense of humor is uncanny, forgiveness hasn’t been as easy as being celibate and that cracks me up every time I think about it.
Open up your bible and we can find examples or a combination thereof of ourselves. The body of Christ is being corrected and called back to holiness. We are the modern day children of Israel. I’ve read the bible a number of times and I’ve always noticed that prostitution was an overwhelming theme. Lord you are not a “John” we give a few seconds of our time too in a back alley. You are God and we have to expose the enemy and his attempts to turn us against one another if we’re to reach others. I can see what you are doing Lord. I’ve seen it coming for a while now. There is a shift happening in this church. You’ve already begun to remove and rout some things. All you have to do is pay attention! I look at the audience and all I see is talented, gifted, anointed people and they are so hungry for the things of God. It’s beautiful that all these extraordinary people are here right now to shake things up. We all tend to reject what we don’t understand. We all have to unlearn what we’ve been taught about you. We are guilty of trying to limit you, contain you and control you. You are a big God and that’s why I belong to a big church! I also think I understand a little better what my freedom means and what its cost me. Every time I made my way to the altar I broke another set of shackles off my life. What people don’t understand they usually reject as crazy or weird. I’m none of those things. I’m free! I’m freer than most people because I am truly not ashamed to dance or lie on my face before you in front of them. You alone are responsible for this freedom. A minster made it clear to me a couple weeks ago that a lot of people want to dance before the Lord but they are afraid because of onlookers. I’m beyond superficial! I’ve been coming to church lately expecting to hear from you and to see you move!
I get that a lot of people don’t get me! I’ve always been different! People will probably assume the worst and never actually try to get to know me. I’m an odd mixture of intelligence, sarcasm, humor, love, sadness, deep emotion, curiosity, and a longing to understand. I’m an odd mixture of everything probably because I’ve lived around so many different types of people. One thing for certain, I sincerely care. I care about people sometimes to my detriment. I’m sensitive to people that are hurt or abused. I always wish I could do more. I think about the people I meet in my life. I see their faces in my dreams. I hope they’re okay. Like one of the shelter’s I work with, they could really use an industrial copier and if I had a couple thousand to spare, I’d make sure they got one. That’s why I love that diversity is a major concern with the man of God. I want to see every shade of the rainbow worshipping together. That’s vision I can definitely get behind! When I first came up North, I thought I had to assimilate into the culture and it’s not me. Lord, I don’t want to be reduced to man’s image of what Christianity looks like now that you’ve freed me. I like that my individuality makes some people uncomfortable. I tried man’s brand of conformity and it doesn’t work for me! That’s why I’m excited about the diversity that is taking place in our church. I wish I’d paid more attention in French class instead of daydreaming about some pubescent pimply faced boy. This is the church I’ve always wanted to belong to, one where everybody doesn’t look like me! It’s exciting what’s about to happen! I plan to bring lots of different people to my church but I want my church to accept them and love them. I met a lady today who just moved here 3 weeks ago from Seattle and what is she looking for? You got it, a church!
p.s. Lord I’ve been experiencing some really bad chest pains lately. I speak right now in the name of Jesus that I am healed and redeemed from sickness!
Amazed by your grace!