My Joy Is Contagious Make Sure You Catch It!

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Journal Entry 19 November 2009

Lord thanks for STILL being my biggest supporter and encourager. Thank you Lord for reminding me that criticism can’t be disguised as correction especially when character and ALL the facts are lacking. Why is it so hard for people to believe that they too in fact are guilty of passing the buck? As in they didn’t do their freaking JOB! People have the nerve to act like they’re so SHOCKED when we’re ALL talking about the things we know are WRONG! I’m not the ONLY person just a tad bit pissed off and frustrated though they’ll never admit it! The proof is how soon my phone rang afterwards. How is it okay that I’ve silently been held to higher standards, a double standard even? I’m not good enough but I can stack chairs, pick up paper, and show up any time I’m needed. I’m not good enough because I struggle openly. How is it men get to hold up their ruler’s and say I don’t measure up but their ruler‘s are crooked? I’m measured against people who couldn’t draw me a picture of what a shining holy example is. Why am I expected to be perfect if we’re ALL imperfect? How can a group of people be so “selective” in their retelling of events? I’ve never given anyone the impression that I’m perfect. I mess up all the time and I work it out at the altar in front of everybody. How can a group of people can get away with such sabotage and it’s NEVER questioned? The only reason I can walk with my head held high is because I know the truth. How can everybody tell me what to do after the fact when they sat in silence? How is it in all this time NOBODY ever said a word to me but gave someone else the impression that they had? The very people that mistreated me, lied to me, manipulated me get the awesome privilege of mockingly standing in my face assured that nothing will ever be done. Lord if a new church is liken to a newborn baby why do so many men/women of God leave their babies in the hands of improper care givers?
Lord I was told that you like to work in 3’s. Well today I got confirmation from 3 different people that I am loved and I am supported. It’s sad though because people can support me but they have to do it in SECRET. Is the power and influence of the “in crowd” that important? I ran into a member of my church today and I couldn’t believe my ears. Upon joining they were told frequently to stay away from me because I was the “crazy” lady who sits in the front, among other things. Here I am thinking nobody cares about me at all, but somebody cares enough to make sure guests know who I am. What he told afterwards really blew my mind. He said because he and his wife had come to know me for themselves they knew the stories about me weren’t true. I’m not crazy at all! I’m just not as good at hiding my flaws as others are. I have no title or clique to hide behind so I have nothing to lose.
People forget I’m human too! People forget I hear and see them whispering about me too! People forget the very people they talk about me with talk to me too! People forget just like they’re watching me somebody else is watching them too! People forget I see them rolling their eyes at me too! People forget we see them too! People forget I see them making fun of me at the altar too! People forget I‘m still in the room too! People forget to keep their word to me too! People forget they told me I could trust them too! People forget I matter too! People forget I know they’re looking for dirt on me too! People forget they’re in church too! People forget they’re more fleshly than spiritual too! People forget I’m anointed too! People forget God showed me who you really are too! People forget the rest of us see this mini kingdom that has set itself up too! People forget I can SEE in the spirit too! People forget they have to answer for their indifference too! People forget that silence implies consent too! People forget that sitting on the left side of the church doesn’t make them exempt too! People forget that God sees them too! You can’t just tell people to leave if they don’t like the way things are, especially if God said stay. Rather than face the big freaking white elephant in the room you in your flesh think its okay to tell wounded people to leave if they don’t like it. It’s not funny at all when most of the SHIT being dumped on a congregation comes from the LEADERS! I can’t leave because GOD didn’t tell me too! I’m here until further notice so YOU get used to it. You FAILED me as leaders! Admit it! You sat back and did nothing too! You ignored me too! You disrespected me too! You passed the buck and dropped the ball too! You mocked me too! You told people I sleep around too! You call me names too! You need to find all the messages I’ve left in 2 years too! You have a hidden agenda too! You cursed me too! You hurt me too! You put your mouth on me too! You lied to the Pastor about me too! You didn’t do your job too! You didn’t tell the Pastor the whole truth too! You put your hands on me too! You belittled me too! You criticized me too! You told me I couldn’t sit there too! You didn’t call that church that wanted to book Pastor too! You made me feel like the Pastor didn’t want to be bothered with me too! You told me I didn’t belong too! You’ve been exposed too! You need to be delivered too! You put on act in front of the Pastor too! You got issues too! You are too familiar with the Pastor too! You tried to FRONT on me too! You need correction too! You got to give an account too! You need to lie on your face too! You have ought with me too! You are defensive too! You interrupted me too! You asked me questions too! You couldn't wait to put me in my place too! You all see this clique every week too! You didn't listen to me too! You need to apologize to me too! You need to show up for Bible Study too! You need to do some fact checking too! You need to make it right too! You need to make some room for the crazy people too! You need to stop calling my house playing on the phone too! You need to ask them point blank what they did too!You need to repent too! You need to pay attention to the rest of us too!  You need to stop popping that gum in my ear when you answer the phone too!  You need to stop talking about me in the office too! You got a stank attitude too! You need to earn your paycheck too! You need to show us you can LEAD too! You need to forgive me too! The body of Christ doesn’t need more acronyms or formulas it needs more Christ like people in the body! Still think I don’t measure up? I’m just like YOU TOO!

Amazed by your grace!

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