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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Journal Entry 05 November 2009



Lord I am still in awe as I think about how far you have brought me. I know it sounds cliché but you really are who you say you are, and you really are able to do what you say you will do. I refused to wholly let you in Lord because I thought you’d be just like everybody else in my life. Why would you love me? Why would you even want me when nobody else seemed to notice I was here? When I was a little girl I remember thinking you gave each of us everything we needed off a conveyer belt. I used to think that when it came my time to pass before you that somehow you turned your head and I didn’t get everything I needed to make it in life. I thought Lord that you had failed me. I thought if I made you mad enough you’d just leave like everybody else. So I kept you at bay thinking I could play games with you. I thought I could box you in. I thought I could control you. I thought I could treat you like a common man. Boy was I wrong! You are so much bigger than the gray matter between my ears. You love me! You really love me! You make me smile and I like thinking I make you smile too!
You have become everything to me because you taught me how to submit, how to lean, how to let go. Lord, I am very impressed with you and what it has taken is for me to grow spiritually. You have given me a confidence and a boldness I never had before. Some might mistake it for something else but, I know it’s simply an understanding of who I really am in you. Remember how it was in the early days? I remember you standing outside the doors of my heart wanting to be invited in. You are such a freaking gentleman, never forcing yourself but waiting on me to extend the invitation. Because of all the heartache I’ve had to endure I equated your love with human love. Lord you are not common, not in the least. I have to laugh now because probably the most noticeable occurrence is how you have transformed me into a lady. I remember when I hated dresses, make-up, or clothing that required ironing. Now look at me, I iron, I wear skirts, high heels, make-up, and colors other than black. I never cared who I gave my body to or how horribly a man treated me. This month I will celebrate another year of celibacy. It’s more than wanting better it’s knowing I deserve better.
I’ll never know why my earthly father took his life, why he wasn’t strong enough to stay here for his little girl. It’s hurt me not knowing or thinking even as a baby that somehow I caused it. The one thing I’ve wanted most in my life is a Father. I always wanted to know what it felt like to be someone’s little girl. I always wanted to know how it felt to lay in a Father’s arms and cry, or laugh whatever I wanted to do. I always wanted to know what it felt like to know I was safe. I always wanted to know what it felt like I didn’t have to “run”. Now Lord I want to know what it feels like to rest. Now I feel like I am 38 years overdue for a long rest. Rest from my enemies, rest from anything not sent from heaven’s post office. I feel like I’ve been running all my life because I have never felt settled. I couldn’t sleep because of the “monster” who abused me in my room at night. I couldn’t sleep because I lay in cold urine too afraid to move until morning. I couldn’t rest because a cloud of darkness has been chasing me. I’ve always wanted a Father and I realize now that I’ve always had one in you. You are the “daddy” I want to come home and tell about my day. You are the “daddy” I want to tell about preaching my first sermon. You are the “daddy” I want to tell about the man who will change my last name. Things I dared dream were possible now really are: deliverance, reconciliation, financial breakthrough, new levels, even a man who loves me. All this is possible Lord because of you never giving up on me. That’s why some days when I’m driving in my car I have to pull over and cry. That’s why I have to dance. That’s why I lift my hands. That is why I can lay on my face and not care that people are muttering “it don’t take all that.” That is why I can smile. I learned in an instant how I just need to get out of your way.  I learned that you don’t need my help, only my obedience. There is such a hope in knowing that I can bear all of this because you believe in me. I can’t fully explain what it’s like to know that you, the Almighty God thinks so highly of a wretch like me. I could never write it all. It is too much but I’ll keep trying.
Amazed by your grace!

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