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Sunday, November 1, 2009

Journal Entry 01 November 2009

I love to imagine Lord that when I speak to you, I’m sitting in your lap. I am really enjoying having a father who is reachable, palpable, and so lovable. Just last night I had to admit that I didn’t know how to give you a few problems. I just said take it off of me. In the past few years Lord, I’ve needed you in ways I never knew I could. I am proud to wear the moniker “work in progress”. My journals have really stacked up over the years. I’m days away from starting a new one. I can’t wait to see what I’ll write in this one. Lord the progress I’ve made spiritually is beyond belief. When I look at myself I know without a doubt that you did it. Deliverance is mine and I am enjoying being set free from legalism, religion, and most of all people.
I love that you convict me, there’s such an indescribable freedom in that. Thank you for showing me in the Word where to go for the issues I face now: Philippians 4:2-4, 1 Corinthians 16:9, Psalms 27, and my favorite Psalms 56:8, they’re really ministering to me Philippians especially. I am not sure if I am Euodia or Syntyche but what I will say is that I am convicted every time I read it. I’ve grumbled, murmured, complained and voiced my opinion on matters not making them better but worse to the detriment of the Gospel. That’s how I know you love me because you correct me just like a father would. I’m so thankful Lord that you really listen to me. I’ve always had an inquisitive mind that thirsts for knowledge. None of my questions no matter how bizarre bother you. I just love that! You may not answer me when I like or how I like, but I know you’re attentive. It’s awesome to see and feel love.
I’ve been through so much in my life. So much so I wish the people who seem to “hate” me so much knew. They don’t know how I have had to leave church just so “they” couldn’t see me cry. They don’t know how I have had to struggle with suicide, depression, and loneliness. They don’t know that there’ve been times when suicide seemed to be my only feasible option. It’s something to look back on a time when death seduced me so sweetly with a bottle of pills and now the sun gives me the determination to live. Today’s sermon really helped me it was a turning point in many ways. Everything I’ve been lamenting about lately was covered. I felt like I was at a major crossroads but I got my answer. I was called to this church and I have to stay here. The enemy isn’t going to just let me “walk” into my destiny. It would be easy to pick up and leave but I have to stay and fight. Lord thank you for literally instructing me to “get up”, pick my cross back up and continue to carry it as I walk out my salvation.
I realized today that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. I am still trying to process everything that happened today Lord. I have been rendered speechless but technology helps with this. Lord I don’t know what to say. Whenever I utter the words thank you they never seem to fully describe in enough detail how truly thankful I am at all you have done. I love you Lord so very much. I am so proud to be your daughter. Thank you for giving me the grace to walk in church today with my head held high not in arrogance but humility.

Amazed by your grace!


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