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Sunday, August 23, 2009

Excerpt From My Journal 23 August 2009


Journal Entry 23 August 2009
How do I say it Lord? How do I express what I experienced today? I pride myself on trying to document my feelings but today I don’t think I can. I’m exhausted but for very good reasons. There are only two words, “I’m Free”! I’m free because today I chose to walk in forgiveness. I wasn’t prompted or prodded just your garden variety free will. During our “Agape” moment at church as I was trying to fill my 3 hug quota (lol)I hugged a person who I’ve held in a low regard for nearly two years. I have to give you your props Lord. Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago I asked you to open some doors for me? It just dawned on me today that I wasn’t very specific as to what kind of doors. I never expected the door you’d open for me would be forgiveness. Now that the moment has passed I can say it feels surreal to understand the inner workings of forgiveness. Are you kidding me? All it took was a hug? I could’ve hugged this person two years ago. I couldn’t no that is not entirely true, I wouldn’t.
I learned in an instant that what I did was not necessarily for them but for me. I held onto my anger like a prized possession and I refused to part with it. I thought that by forgiving this person, I would look weak. I felt like I was standing up for myself. I wanted blood! I wanted justice! I wanted you to visit this person with 10 remixed 21st Century plagues. I just wanted someone to finally care about something that happened to me that hurt me. I just didn’t want another person to do me a wrong and just ride off into the sunset. I’m even ashamed to admit that Lord in this particular instance I held onto to my pride and my anger because I thought if I let it go that you too would soon forget about it. It hurt to feel like once again no one cared about something painful that happened to me. I guess all this stems from the dysfunction I was exposed to in my childhood. For the better part of my life I’ve been neglected, forsaken, and sometimes left to fend for myself.
Since I was a child, I’ve felt that I’ve gone through this life undetected even by you. The introverted, music loving, bookworm, I never thought there were any extraordinary qualities about me. I just assumed that you felt the same. I have a birth certificate that proves I’m here and yet some days I feel like I’ve lived my life by stealth. Oh but today everything changed! You reminded me of August 11, 2007, the day you called me, the day you set me apart for the ministry. So now that feeling of exclusion from some elite group who I thought held all the power in this world has diminished. I realize now that I had to be delivered from people. I had to be broken but Lord there is no one I’d rather have put me back together than you. Going forward Lord I know I will be alright! I will make it! I am not forsaken. You do “see” me and care about every hurt, every tear. You opened a door and I walked right through it. If forgiveness has given me a measure of freedom imagine what it’s done for the other person? Amazed by Your Grace!

1 comment:

  1. I thought this was so profound. I think that forgiving is an empowerment in itself. I have often gone through that journey because like you, I have been hurt a lot in my life. It's very hard to forfeit that power we believe we are holding when we hold on to the grudge. I commend you for taking that step and seeing the message in it. That is difficult to do - especially depending on the degree of hurt that was inflicted.

    Take care,
    Traci

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