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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Casting Call A Lady In Waiting!

As soon as I discovered that I deserved more than what I settling for from men, I noticed my phone stopped ringing. I am thoroughly enjoying the advantages blogging brings. Men actually pay attention to what I have to say and best part is, I’m fully clothed and not lying in a horizontal position. Having said that, please don’t read this blog girded by your pious and self righteous armor thinking this doesn’t sound lady like at all! Think if you will about all the roles you’ve played to get on the right casting couch. Me personally, I could’ve won the coveted Oscar several times over for the roles I’ve played in relationships especially with the opposite sex. Halle, Julia, Angelina, please, I could run circles around these women with my real life cinematic prowess. Whatever the role the latest “guy” demanded of me I dutifully delivered. My most adoring fan was always the enemy of my soul. Now if you or I had the mental capacity to find THE person suited for us on our own why haven’t we been able to accomplish it? Of all the roles I’ve cast myself in to gain the adoration of some guy I barely knew never once did consider how rewarding the leading role of just being me could be. Sorry guys I’m no vixen, no feminine seductress so skilled in the art of lovemaking that the Karma Sutra publishes quarterly supplements detailing my skillfulness under the bed sheets. I’m a music hound, a moviegoer, a professional Starbucks customer, I carry a messenger bag for goodness sakes and I wouldn’t dream of wearing anything frilly to bed. That’s the real me I wish the men I bedded really wanted to know. It all becomes so taxing you know waking up with regret nervously looking over at the “new” guy the one who was just copied and pasted into the position of the “old ”guy . Then there’s the added pressure of knowing every month some magazine has 5 ridiculous “secrets” for keeping him. Who has time to remember all that? It’s still not rocket science, keep the toilet seat down, rotate my tires, and listen to my extended rants. As it always turned out, all he could give was unrequited lust and all I could give were cues I took from the latest issues of Essence, Cosmo, and Oprah. I chose a path rarely ever taken and took a vow of celibacy nearly 6 years ago. Boy, time sure does fly when you choose to sleep alone. I have never been more proud of myself as when I decided to put myself first and my needy flesh last. These days however, I’m an easy target for those who truly wouldn’t know a good time if it literally sat in their faces. Some people have become so caught up in satisfying their flesh that when you try to explain spiritual things to them they only hear those annoying crickets. Surprisingly celibacy hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be. I’ve found out that I actually sleep better with: love, respect, honesty, a listening ear, arms to hold me, and fingertips to catch my tears. I’ve grown accustomed to sleeping with 6 pillows, my Blackberry, 3 remotes, and an assortment of books so there isn’t room left for: lies, remorse, betrayal, possible disease or a different face. Can you believe some of my girlfriends, the ones who chose to settle for a piece of a man rather than one that is whole pity me.? I would rather be alone than be unhappy. Compared to repairing my credit and trying to learn how to program a VCR, celibacy has been a perpetual walk in the park. My flesh may attempt to write a lot of checks but my spirit won’t allow me to cash them. Celibacy allows me to continually discover how beautiful I am and that I deserve love from the man God created for me. Finding a husband is scratched off on my Things to Do List. I’m quite relieved I no longer have to dip my head in that nasty water and bob for a man hoping he is finally the prize. Celibacy has allowed my body, my spirit, and my mind to be at a state of rest. Tonight I can boast of not sleeping but finally resting. I can’t wait to curl up in the arms of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost! As relationships go, it’s the best one I’ve ever had! I am no longer an understudy competing for a role. You get to direct your own life story and you can rewrite your script right now!

1 comment:

  1. Bravo! Amen sis! And you have to get a copy of my book but until then..I want to share a poem I wrote in it that compliments your piece.

    Love Letter

    Love wrote me a letter today but it wasn’t sealed with a kiss; it was open and bare. As I looked inside, I saw the imprints of faded memories, fantasies, hopes, and dreams. There were visions and silhouettes of lovers past. I could smell them, the scents of their bodies all masked in the fragrance of our love. I could feel them; taste them, the sensation of their hot, passionate poison traveling through my veins, pulsating so hard that I began to lose control. I heard them: their whispers, chanting, laughing, moaning, groaning, and making empty promises of love, marriage and future dreams.

    Love wrote me a letter today, taking me back to the days of my early dwellings, where love was lost and found – in smoke-filled bars where lovers spoke no names and spirits had no faces. It took me to places where Mommy was present and Daddy was known only when monthly checks came in. And I knew Cupid, a red man in an arrow suit, who pierced my heart with fiery darts of fairytales and lies. Love wrote me a letter today, but this time the letter read, “Open only when you’re ready to love yourself.”

    Love, Hillary

    Courtesy copy of poem by Hillary Roy from the book “Journeys of Love Voices of the Heart" on www.HillabeesandRoses.com


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