My Joy Is Contagious Make Sure You Catch It!

I always tell people that any day above ground is a good day! I hope your day is wonderful and blessed! Feel free to share your thoughts!
Thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Day after Christmas

I checked my email this morning. More than a few of my close friends and acquaintances are dealing with painful losses. Some have lost their jobs, family members, homes, some have even lost hope. I think the holidays mean different things to different people. I think our ability to handle any “news” is in direct correlation to where we are in our individual lives. Have you ever considered how incredibly strong you really are on the inside? Christmas is over but life continues even with death, job loss, and hopelessness permeating the atmosphere all around us. It may not look like it today but we’re strongest in our darkest moments. There is an inward resilience that allows us to handle bad news. Somebody marveled at how you were able to smile yesterday despite what you’re facing today. Look up today because if you don’t you won’t be able to see where you’re headed. God is so proud of you and I am too. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t get anything I asked Santa for. In hindsight I recognize Santa lacks the supernatural ability to deliver what I need. What we need the most can’t be delivered once a year. God who is more than capable of doing the unthinkable did deliver. For years I’ve prayed and asked God to move in certain areas in my life. As time marched on with no clear manifestation, I placed them on God’s spiritual backburner. Yesterday I got another sneak peek at how God knows what we need and when we need it. The gifts I received yesterday were just what I needed. There’s no time limit on them and I want be penalized if I hold onto them. I fully intend to hold onto yesterday for as long as I possibly can. Yesterday I saw answered prayer at its very best. When you’re least likely to remember you asked for it that’s the very moment answered prayer happens. God hears our prayers and He answers them according to His perfect plan not ours. It’s the day after Christmas! How do you feel? Was yesterday everything you expected? Did you get the 60” Plasma you asked for? Did Uncle Joe behave? Did anybody even offer to help with the dishes? I hope you had an awesome time with family and friends. I hope you were overwhelmed by love in spite of any news you may have to attend to now that Christmas is past and life goes on.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Acts of Kindness

I like to think I’m approachable, amiable, and agreeable at least to the point where if help is needed I’m able to oblige. What is it about each of us that attract people to us? Maybe it’s a smile, confidence, individuality, or maybe it’s our spirit. I thought about this yesterday after someone asked me for help.
I had only been in my favorite internet café minutes when an elderly gentleman approached me for assistance. I couldn’t fathom how I could help him yet I followed. He led me to a table where his wife sat. In front of her was a brand new laptop. They asked me if I could show them how to connect to the internet using Wi-Fi. It was a simple request and something I obviously was more than qualified to do. Do you ever wonder at times why certain people approach you or why they don’t? Out of everybody in that café yesterday, they required my help, even passing several people already surfing the web. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you ever wonder what signals you send to others when you think nobody’s watching? I wish I’d captured the moment they were connected to the internet with a photo. It was like I introduced them into a whole new world, like watching a baby take their first steps. These kinds of moments help me remember there are kind and decent people in the world. They don’t stand out because they aren’t kind to be seen or receive accolades from men. I generally think people are kind to others because someone was kind to them. We chatted as I showed them the intricacies of their new laptop. I told them about some of the things I’d been faced with this year. I admitted to them that though they asked me for help, they really helped me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To me it wasn’t a huge deal for them it was a great accomplishment. They rewarded me with a warm brownie and hot chocolate. I make no bones about the past couple months being trying for me. It hasn’t been easy sitting on the bench when I know I’m a starter. They were such a sweet and endearing couple. I really wondered if I had been entertaining angels. I believe I come in contact with angels all the time heavenly and human. Their kindness not mine, reminded me that all is still well and alright despite what’s going on around me.  It costs nothing to be kind and the rewards have eternal consequences. Insist on taking time to show kindness not because you hope to gain something from it but perhaps someone else will.

Writing Out Loud: The Jacksons A Family Dynasty

I absolutely loved tonight’s 12/20/2009 episode. I seriously don’t think that 5 more episodes will be enough. I mean this is 40 years we’re talking about here. I hope a second season is in the works. I am 38 years old and I am drooling over these men. Every member of this family was gifted with some extraordinary way to touch the world. Medicare doesn’t seem all that bad if the men are this HOT!!!
Jermaine - He is growing on me with each episode. He is a star and I get the sense he's in character more so than the others. He knows what the public wants and expects and he brings it you can't knock a person for that. I do like that he dares to be an individual in a time where everybody else seems so “cookie cutter.” It gives me great hope that I can still be fly when I reach 50 Jermaine “Pop Yo Collar Boy” boy!

Tito- “Take Me as I Am” OMG Tito is an amazing musician. I think it’s wonderful he’s found his own niche minus Michael and Janet. There has to be a real freedom in basking in your own spotlight. He like the rest of the brothers, deserve their own success. I like to think maybe this is Michael’s gift to them, a chance to shine on their own. Tito’s humor is uncanny. It reminds me of myself “Straight NO chaser!

Marlon- “Making Big Moves and Smiles”- I’m so glad I don’t depend on the tabloid press for my information. Never let people who write for a living shape your opinion of others. Marlon has vision outside of his immediate celeb status. Though he is funny, He makes big statements by what he is amused by. 80% of the statements we all make are really questions. What I appreciated most about Marlon was his acknowledgement of God as his source. Michael wasn’t responsible for bringing this family thus far. God did it!

Jackie- “Sexy Sensitive”- Lawd hav mercy I just want to lather this man in love.  His heart, no his spirit is completely broken. I know that kind of hurt. It’s the kind where your pillow is a reservoir for your tears. Each day you try to pick yourself up and go with the flow but it's hard to hide what's keeping you stagnate. When Jackie cries, I cry. The 20 year age gap matters not one iota to me. I would love him back to life. I wish I could be the shoulder he could lean on. There is nothing wrong with crying, tears, clean our souls. Jackie if you’re reading this, the best sleeping pill comes from the peace of God. The next hand you hold may just be the one to lift you up, Jackie here's my hand!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Journal Entry 18 December 2009

Lord I didn’t care how cold it was today, I needed some air. Usually I won’t venture outside in bad weather unless church or Starbucks is involved but the air in my house got to be too stale. I apologize for forgetting to turn the CD player on for the angels that house sat for me (lol). I should really be ashamed there is an undeniable imprint of my body engraved in my couch. I put it there Lord with hardly any effort. An old acquaintance contacted me this afternoon. I never ever expected to hear from this person again. Are they on your side, on mine? If not, remove them from my life. Lord was the text even genuine? The text caught me off guard especially when I read how I’d been on their mind for some time. Was that text bait? Were those carefully constructed words meant to lure me in emotionally? I’ve cast my net way out in the deep to let go and yet some fish refuse to release my hook. I’m unsure if I should give my consent to having this person in my life again. So I need to ask you what to do about it. I don’t understand Lord. Can people really be so glib about how they’ve treated me? People think they can do whatever they want and I’m supposed to be fine with it. I’m not alright with it Lord. I’ve had so many people hurt me this year. I let them go, so why the hell would they want to come back? Somebody should care Lord what happens to me. Somebody should care that they ignored me, lied on me, mistreated me, hurt me. Why doesn’t it matter? Why doesn’t anybody notice? Why doesn’t anybody stand up and say something? You are the only one who can make some things right, and I keep waiting. I guess it’s the casual way people handle my feelings that gnaw on me. The only rationale I can muster is this: the reason nobody cares is because it didn’t happen to them. One thing is certain, I’m no magazine article to be glossed over.
I’m not into Horoscopes but I’m a Taurus who comes across others who share my sign. We all share similar characteristics: fiercely loyal, protective, and we when we hurt, you know it. It’s like we “internalize” hurt in a deeper way. I don’t take hurt lightly, my wrongdoings, my misdeeds, my wrong words, even my body language, I think about it, and there’s nothing casual about it. Is it really that easy to despitefully use people and assume you can come and go as you please? I really don’t get it! I don’t know if waiting until I get to glory will suffice in my quest to have answers to life’s most perplexing questions. There are just things I wish to understand. I’m doing right by coming to you with everything great or small. Thank you Lord always for allowing me the freedom of expressing what I feel. I’m a roller coaster up and down, round and round, but such is life. A new decade is within reach. Ten years Lord, where did they go? Where am I today? I’m still on track but it sure does appear to be taking many modes of transportation to reach my appointed destination. Why do some days seem stagnate, like rushing waters being held by an impossible boulder. Why is there so much, so many in my way? It screams of something wonderful in my destiny doesn’t it? It has too Lord. There can be no other explanation except that “greatness” is all over me.
In a few days the world will celebrate Christmas in my opinion, its one day on our calendar no more or less significant than other days. Why can’t we give love, show love not because it’s Christmas but because it’s needed? Should calendars be responsible for dictating the days we love each other? I don’t think so. I’ve watched shopper’s scurry through store aisles hoping to stumble across some token to express what should emanate from within. Love can’t be wrapped up. Love ought to resemble wrapping paper. I like the image of a big mountain of wrapping paper, just a huge mess strewn all over the place. Lord shouldn’t love look like that? Love ought not to be neat and perfect. Love should make lots of noise! It should mimic the tearing of wrapping paper. I remember Christmas mornings, my mother was such a neat freak we handed her the wrapping paper as we unwrapped our gifts. Pay close attention Lord next Friday. Watch how quick the wrapping paper is discarded. It makes me think of love being thrown away.
What will the next ten years be like? How many journals will I fill up with accounts of my life? I’m excited! I hope to have accomplished more for the Kingdom. I hope to fully understand more of my purpose for being here at such a time as this. I’m leaving a lot of debris in this decade. It’s pointless to carry trash another ten years. Anymore weight put on shoulders and I’ll be completely crippled by maggots eating away at my spirit. I can’t do it anymore. I have to let go, my very life depends on it. In this next decade I won’t make excuses or rationalize what’s clearly truth. In this next decade I won’t keep trying to rely on people made of flesh and blood. Lord you and you alone are my first response not my last resort. I’ve been a little quiet these past few days. I’m processing, reassessing, and finalizing key areas in my life. The closure I need Lord can only come from you. Closure is needed in so many areas before I walk into 2010. I’m not giving you a deadline, I’m just writing out loud. Whatever you have for me Lord I receive it by faith. I thank you for taking such good care of me.
Amazed by your grace!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Journal Entry 10 December 2009

Lord I wanted to get a serious work out this morning but Jack Frost only allowed me to hit the snooze button once. It was so dark outside I really thought I’d woke up before you lol. 10 days in and my future is still shaping up nicely. Lord what’s it been almost 5 years now? Healed! My doctor got on me about my cholesterol, and I promised to do better. I’m not worried about my weight. It was a blistery 2 degrees this morning so I like to think the extra 15 pounds I put on since last year (don’t have a clue how they attached themselves to my body), kept me from blowing away. I needed some good news! I’ve had so much coming against me from so many directions. When I pray, I like to think I’m just reminding you of all the promises found in the Word. So in this situation I said “Lord the Word says that I am healed, and redeemed from sickness.” You esteem your Word higher than your own name and you move when we give your Word back to you. It’s not magic, its mountain moving faith. As I understand it we’ve each been given a measure of faith right? All of us could move mountains in our lives huh?
I was really just a lemon on a car lot. You spotted me and said “I want her.” You purchased me with all my scratches, dents, and rust. I’m salvageable, I’m repairable! Most of life is normal wear and tear but I need you to do major overhauling. You got strong arms and you seem really great at heavy lifting. You can have it Lord, all these dents, and scratches. Restore me Lord and put me back on the lot in pristine condition. You’ve been the absolute best Father to me. It’s been in the quiet pre-dawn hours I’ve needed you most! Those nights I couldn’t get to sleep, I called and instantly you answered. I’ve had so much to say lately, so much has been bottled up. I reached a new level with you. We’re communicating back and forth. I’m talking so much because I don’t ever want you to forget what my voice sounds like. I don’t want you to let me go. Hold on to me God. So many people just let me go. Make sure I’m okay. Allow me to talk, even if I have to repeat it several times. When I tell you repeatedly “I’m tired” or “this hurts me” I mean it! I do sort of feel like “Mack” in The Shack. I asked you to let me have a place where we could talk in private and I have that. I’m assured that what we talk about is between us. You gained by trust by using so many of the “issues” I deal with to show me who you are. I have to keep writing because I want somebody to know you can be trusted.

You’ve had experience yourself with hurt. Your family mistreated you, poked fun at you, and doubted your sanity. More than a few people tried to get you to prove yourself. You were betrayed by someone who walked closely with you. You do understand. Lord you’ve seen me through nightmares, flashbacks, cold sweats, fits of anger, bouts of depression, wet sheets, drenched pillows, and clenched fists. I’m still here! You love me! I keep seeing evidence of this. Remember all those years ago when I had serious doubts about your credibility? Remember when I was mad at you? Remember how I gave you the middle finger? Remember I told you I hated you? Remember I asked you to leave me alone? Remember when I cursed you? Remember when I begged you to let me die? I was furious at you God. I blamed you for things that happened to me even things I caused. I bet I sounded just like Adam when he blamed Eve huh? It’s all going to work out! It’s working out! It’s just not the way I expected. It’s hard to step outside of your own problems and see others going through too. When it’s you, you tend to feel like you’re the only one. There were days Lord I when I know I didn’t want to hear a bible verse and I told you so. I just wanted you to ‘fix” it and make it go away. It is perfectly okay for me to freely express my misgivings, displeasure, tell you I don’t understand, I’m pissed, I don’t want to be bothered, and you don’t look at me strange. You just love me. Trials are going to come. You never said they wouldn’t but you told me to cheer up because I could overcome them. I’m enduring. I’m overcoming.
Amazed by your grace!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Journal Entry 09 December 2009

Lord I must have looked like an Olympic skater gliding across sheets of ice trying to get to Bible Study last night. Inclement weather is never reason enough to miss hearing from you and I knew if I pressed my way inside there’d be something wonderful on the other side. When the man of God spoke to me I heard YOU! It was just a quick polite greeting, but I saw and felt much more. It was confirmation of something that had taken place between you and I earlier. The minister greeted me as I was stomping snow from my shoes. Isn’t it a shame the actions of a “few” can cause us to unfairly “lump” people into one category. Sometimes it’s nice to know someone understands even though a word never passes between them. Something about that moment made me feel this man had empathy for what I’ve had to endure, but I wasn’t seeing him, I was seeing you. It was enough to allow me to quickly check my mailbox and take my seat. I listened to the Worship Leader sing your name in such a melodious way it literally transported your spirit right to my row. I stood with outstretched hands lifted up. I forgot I hadn’t removed my hat, coat, or gloves all still wet from the fallen snow. I entered and rested in your sweet presence. I hugged my pillow and slept like a baby in a fresh diaper.
What you say about me must be true! Why else would the enemy use so many people to come against me? I’m paying attention too. They “look” and “act” the same. Why? They share a “familiar” spirit”. In varying degrees, they’ve all attacked me in the same way. They started out pretending to be one way and ended up being another. Much to my chagrin, I played right into their hands allowing them to use their leverage and position to further sabotage me. They did it from the inside. This is not coincidence or happenstance if people really paid attention. It takes a concerted effort to go about destroying a person’s life. It’s ugly and it’s evil! One of Satan’s greatest achievements is convincing Christians he isn’t in the church. I like your brand of justice and I’m watching you vindicate me right in the midst of naysayers. You are using the very judgment they’ve reserved for me and you’re showing them themselves. When people dislike you it’s usually something they dislike in themselves. When people lie on you, it usually is something they’re doing themselves. That’s why I don’t have to fight so hard and that is why many people can’t do anything but be quiet. Silence really is the best mirror in which to see ourselves. I know who you say I am! The enemy knows who I am too. His orders are to kill, steal, and destroy me. In a sick way it’s flattering to see what “they” come up with next. It’s also interesting watching “them” turn on each other as they go. Thank you Lord because you showed me nearly two years ago but I didn’t understand it then. People don’t want to see that you’ve already removed the biggest piece of this puzzle. It’s a daunting task watching a person be assassinated by people they trust, people right under their noses. You feel powerless to stop it because you know they won’t believe you. They’ve been seduced by the very spirit trying to kill me but all we have to do is ask you to show us who people really are. Look past all the smoke, and you can see me standing.
How do you do it Lord? Always showing up right on time even though you exist out of time? Last night there was such a sweet spirit in that gymnasium. I’ve noticed lately that I’ve had a greater sense of your presence without all the hoopla. I like it! I like it a lot! You are everywhere but it’s much easier to find you without all the bells and whistles. Last night’s Bible Study was intimate. It was the raw emotion in the man of God’s voice that glued me to the edge of my seat. I could barely contain myself hearing confirmation of things we talk about. In hindsight we all pressed our way through sleet and traffic Lord to get to you. We all needed peace, even the man of God. I had to thank him. He didn’t look at me or talk to me like he didn’t give a crap. He didn’t pretend to listen. He didn’t throw my mistakes in my face. He didn’t talk down to me. He didn’t treat me like I was keeping him from something else. He treated me like a leader that was concerned about those he leads. Isn’t it true leaders serve you by leading those they serve? Last night, we all needed to know that we can endure. That’s what he told me, that I can endure! I know what love looks like now! I know what love feels like now! I know what love sounds like now! Love can’t be faked and love can’t be scripted. Love has to be demonstrated! Love has to be expressed! Love has to be reciprocated! Love has to be received! Love has to be shown! Love starts and ends with you! It’s the adhesive that hold us all together. Darkness will always try to disguise itself as light. I know the difference now Lord and it’s your very spirit making the darkest of days bright.
Amazed by your grace!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Journal Entry 06 December 2009

Lord I probably should have stayed home today but I’d promised to fill in for someone at church. I literally ran out of church because I felt dizzy.  My blood sugar was a little low, so I knew I had to get something in my system quick. Thank you for keeping me safe because I really thought I would pass out behind the wheel before making it to the store. The young lady at the register noticed I didn’t look too well.  Her exact words “You look pale” lol.  She was kind enough to allow me to pay for my purchases and inhale it right in aisle #15.  She even waited until I regained the color in my cheeks before she let me go. To some, it probably would’ve gone unnoticed but I graciously accepted her kindness.  Usually this is a hard thing to do because so often I feel like everybody is trying to $ell me something.
It’s time for some cleaning not because another year approaches but because I hate clutter. I’ve already begun beginning with cyber space. I’m getting rid of contacts and “friends” and I use the term “friend” loosely. There is nothing like the power behind the DELETE button. I don’t owe anybody an explanation or a phone call. I’m doing what I have to do for me by letting people who mean me no earthly or spiritual good GO!  You know what gets on my last nerve? What truly irks the freaking hell out of me are people who think I can’t distinguish between “CONCERN” and plain old NOSINESS. I know who my REAL friends are! NONE of them live in close proximity to me, BUT when they call I always hang up feeling better, not hounded for information. My “REAL” friends don’t call everyday only when I need them. My “REAL” friends speak up when I've been wronged. My “REAL” friends don’t expect me to walk on water to gain their acceptance.  My “REAL” friends really are CONCERNED about me and not hiding under the guise of just being NOSY. I don’t feel condemnation because I gave these people access to my life. Now access is being DENIED and I’m now choosing to be SELECTIVE. You are a “REAL” friend God. There’s 100% total acceptance with YOU! I woke up at 3 am Saturday and poured my heart out to YOU. I can’t remember how many times I called YOU Jesus, I remember being rocked to sleep. I slept peacefully until 10:00am. Thank you just for listening to me as I told you ALL ABOUT IT. I keep looking at clocks Lord. I look at them because at any moment  I hope you call TIME!  Could it be my season is up and I can finally meet the person(s) who is going to help mentor me, train me, and guide me? That is all I’ve ever wanted Lord the right people to show me what to do. No matter how people treat me, what they say about me, how they look at me, it will never change what you’ve preordained for my life. I’m looking forward to my future.
Yesterday was more evidence that I never know who I’m going to meet and why I met them. In the past couple days I’ve met a Celebrity Stylist, a State Representative, a County Commissioner, a U.S. State’s Attorney, and a professional football player. What impressed me the most about each of these people upon meeting them was the absence of their public persona and their business “cards.” The first 6 days of my future have all been memorable. What I don’t put online is definitely being written by hand. I’m trying not to miss what may look like the “small” things. So I’m careful to take note of a stranger’s smile, a gentle wind, or a kind gesture. They are all reminders that YOU are near. I got about 3 glucose testing machines lying around the house but I don’t need them because ALL IS WELL!
Amazed by your grace!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Journal Entry 01 December 2009

Well Lord this day certainly started off with a bang didn’t it? It’s too funny because today I actually start my brand new journal. I see every blank page as a written progression into the person you’ve created me to be. I keep your words filed away in my mental rolodex. You told me that in October you were dealing with my PAST, in November you were dealing with my PRESENT, in December you were dealing with my FUTURE and in January you said I won’t be able to comprehend what you are going to do. How appropriate then that I start my new journal on December 1st! I’m so thrilled! As I put my old journal away I flipped through a couple entries and reacquainted myself with my dreams, longings, needs, wants, expectations, and hopes for the future. You know what I discovered? I am still on track! None of the discouragement nothing has caught you by surprise. Probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that HATERS come PRE-PACKAGED with my PROMISE! Absolutely nothing has changed and I believe that is because YOU haven’t changed. You are still the same faithful, loving, merciful Father. So despite the enemy’s blatant attempts to derail me, I know emphatically that YOU are who YOU say YOU are. You keep showing yourself to me in ways I understand like through a passage in a book, a song or the sun shining in my darkest moments. It’s usually not what or how I expect. It makes perfect sense too after what I learned last week at Bible Study you are still speaking, just in varying ways.
I really had to pull over this morning and let the “news” sink in but I’ve since recovered. I think I was unable to cry because I was just so numb. I know you enough Lord to know that NOTHING is impossible for you. This “circumstance” though it’s causing havoc in my life, has already been worked out. I know this because I saw the sun again right as I merged back into traffic. Lord I’ve been VIOLATED in the worst way imaginable. I’ve taken preemptive measures to keep myself safe. I know everything IS alright. I see how a lot of things that happen to me keep taking me back to when I was sexually abused. I don’t want to live my life forever feeling like everybody that comes near me is going to molest me. Do you see Lord how a lot of these instances in my life I “told” someone in an authoritative position and they either disregarded or mishandled my pleas for assistance, like this morning? I laugh every time I look at my birth certificate because it’s proof that I do exist and not a complete and utter waste of sperm? Just once Lord, I NEED the right people to be in place to help me, like right NOW. Just once I wish someone on a human level would just do right by me. This is something I know only you can resolve internally. Lord on a human level my trust in people in general has been shaken since childhood.  Everytime I give somebody my trust they abuse it!  Again you lead me to the Word for answers Zechariah 10:3-11:3 you confirmed that spiritual leaders or those in authority who abuse their power ignite your anger and they will not escape your punishment. It’s just one more reason to believe you are paying attention to everything concerning my life. I’ve seen arrogance and piousness a lot lately, but Godly confidence is altogether different. Godly confidence allows you to listen to the jeers, watch the stares, and sit right in the presence of your enemies in anticipation of a Godly resolution. Who am I to question why all these painful things happen to me right on top of each other? I know I’ve barely had time to catch my breath but I know I’m still breathing and that means I’m alive! Lord help restore my faith in humanity. It’s by divine appointment people are placed in my life. If you trust them enough to place them in my life I want to be able to trust them too. If the “news” I received just a few hours ago were any indication, I’d say my breakthrough is right around the corner. That is why I refuse to let anybody tell me who I am NOT! I refuse to accept anything from anybody contrary to what you’ve said about me, regardless of WHO says it. I asked YOU to show me who YOU are, what YOU look like, and what YOU sound like. The enemy wishes to undermine my trust in you by slowly chipping away at my resolve through trials. Lately all these trials have done is drawn me nearer to thee. If I didn’t know you right now at this exact moment, my car could easily plunge into freezing water. I know better! I want to live! I want to see how it all turns out. I appreciate how you remind me Lord to really LISTEN not just HEAR what people speak into my spirit. Thank you Lord also for reminding me that once you’ve given a person the truth and they do nothing with it it’s not on ME anymore. It is like a slap in the face but it’s really YOUR face that’s being slapped.  It brings the point home to watch what people DO not what they SAY especially when they’re backed up by false humility. My sister and I have rejoiced many times over this verse before we began to fast: Daniel 10: 12 Then he continued, Do not be afraid, Daniel, since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before God, your words were heard. I’ve been mulling over this verse all day and I thank you for it brings me great comfort in this my hour of need.
p.s. Lord you know I have a doctor’s appointment next week…..I refuse to drive 40miles to get a bad report (lol)I speak that I am still tumor free in the name of Jesus. I speak against any suggestion of a hysterectomy or any other invasive procedure. I speak that I am completely healed! Heavenly Father I need a miracle TODAY! Continue to increase my faith and just move on my behalf. Put the person with the answer in my path TODAY! I love you Daddy! Thank You again for stopping everything to listen to me.
Amazed by your grace!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Journal Entry 23 November 2009

Lord you are awesome! Yesterday was a huge step in the right direction! All I could see reconciliation, restoration and respect in the atmosphere and it was beautiful. When I show all my teeth you know that’s when I’m really happy! People often ask me why I’m always writing and I tell them because I am always learning. Yesterday’s sermon was meat and I’m still chewing on it. If we dared to be honest we all would have to admit YOU were talking to ALL of us! That’s usually how I can distinguish between you and man “ONE WORD FITS ALL”. A lot of people don’t understand but you never waste anything, not one tear, not one moment. I could feel everybody’s eyes on me asking “ is that her?” and it’s so amusing! Usually the people who only ooh and ahh are the ones are the least likely to add anything but noise to a situation. Lord you told me that I was a leader a long time ago but I believe you now. I truly am the type of person you use to accomplish your purposes not because I follow the most traveled path but because I don’t. Yesterday, even last week was such a teachable moment and I hope everyone was able to glean something from it. I’m proud that people can see that we’re ALL human and capable of everything sometimes but being spiritual. I came away from last week with a renewed sense of hope of what you can do. I truly did and I feel so much better. I keep saying the more I release, the better my posture is.  It’s reassuring not scary to know that even our shepherd is human too. I got a clearer picture of his humanity. He is just like me not necessarily superior, just human!  I wish we could all just admit it more and be secure when we do that it’s okay. We all wear shame to a degree like a well tailored garment. The altar is where we need to strip ourselves of strongholds placed on us by ourselves and others. I hope Lord you release the man of God to do more altar calls where people feel free to disrobe. I hope one Sunday there is no music, no singing, nothing, just EVERYBODY on their faces before you. I bet if we all saw each other naked maybe we’d laugh and see how ridiculous we all are! The more transparent we all are, the better off we’ll be. I like that I’ve made mistakes publicly because it’s allowed me Lord to see what you and only you are capable of. You are capable of taking public mishaps and turning them into perhaps private ministry for others. I also love that I’ve been able to forgive publicly because again it allows others to see what you can do if we let you. Lord your sense of humor is uncanny, forgiveness hasn’t been as easy as being celibate and that cracks me up every time I think about it.
Open up your bible and we can find examples or a combination thereof of ourselves. The body of Christ is being corrected and called back to holiness. We are the modern day children of Israel. I’ve read the bible a number of times and I’ve always noticed that prostitution was an overwhelming theme. Lord you are not a “John” we give a few seconds of our time too in a back alley. You are God and we have to expose the enemy and his attempts to turn us against one another if we’re to reach others. I can see what you are doing Lord. I’ve seen it coming for a while now. There is a shift happening in this church. You’ve already begun to remove and rout some things. All you have to do is pay attention! I look at the audience and all I see is talented, gifted, anointed people and they are so hungry for the things of God. It’s beautiful that all these extraordinary people are here right now to shake things up. We all tend to reject what we don’t understand. We all have to unlearn what we’ve been taught about you. We are guilty of trying to limit you, contain you and control you. You are a big God and that’s why I belong to a big church! I also think I understand a little better what my freedom means and what its cost me. Every time I made my way to the altar I broke another set of shackles off my life. What people don’t understand they usually reject as crazy or weird. I’m none of those things. I’m free! I’m freer than most people because I am truly not ashamed to dance or lie on my face before you in front of them. You alone are responsible for this freedom. A minster made it clear to me a couple weeks ago that a lot of people want to dance before the Lord but they are afraid because of onlookers. I’m beyond superficial! I’ve been coming to church lately expecting to hear from you and to see you move!
I get that a lot of people don’t get me! I’ve always been different! People will probably assume the worst and never actually try to get to know me. I’m an odd mixture of intelligence, sarcasm, humor, love, sadness, deep emotion, curiosity, and a longing to understand. I’m an odd mixture of everything probably because I’ve lived around so many different types of people. One thing for certain, I sincerely care. I care about people sometimes to my detriment. I’m sensitive to people that are hurt or abused. I always wish I could do more. I think about the people I meet in my life. I see their faces in my dreams. I hope they’re okay. Like one of the shelter’s I work with, they could really use an industrial copier and if I had a couple thousand to spare, I’d make sure they got one. That’s why I love that diversity is a major concern with the man of God. I want to see every shade of the rainbow worshipping together. That’s vision I can definitely get behind! When I first came up North, I thought I had to assimilate into the culture and it’s not me. Lord, I don’t want to be reduced to man’s image of what Christianity looks like now that you’ve freed me. I like that my individuality makes some people uncomfortable. I tried man’s brand of conformity and it doesn’t work for me! That’s why I’m excited about the diversity that is taking place in our church. I wish I’d paid more attention in French class instead of daydreaming about some pubescent pimply faced boy. This is the church I’ve always wanted to belong to, one where everybody doesn’t look like me! It’s exciting what’s about to happen! I plan to bring lots of different people to my church but I want my church to accept them and love them. I met a lady today who just moved here 3 weeks ago from Seattle and what is she looking for? You got it, a church!
p.s. Lord I’ve been experiencing some really bad chest pains lately. I speak right now in the name of Jesus that I am healed and redeemed from sickness!
Amazed by your grace!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Journal Entry 19 November 2009

Lord thanks for STILL being my biggest supporter and encourager. Thank you Lord for reminding me that criticism can’t be disguised as correction especially when character and ALL the facts are lacking. Why is it so hard for people to believe that they too in fact are guilty of passing the buck? As in they didn’t do their freaking JOB! People have the nerve to act like they’re so SHOCKED when we’re ALL talking about the things we know are WRONG! I’m not the ONLY person just a tad bit pissed off and frustrated though they’ll never admit it! The proof is how soon my phone rang afterwards. How is it okay that I’ve silently been held to higher standards, a double standard even? I’m not good enough but I can stack chairs, pick up paper, and show up any time I’m needed. I’m not good enough because I struggle openly. How is it men get to hold up their ruler’s and say I don’t measure up but their ruler‘s are crooked? I’m measured against people who couldn’t draw me a picture of what a shining holy example is. Why am I expected to be perfect if we’re ALL imperfect? How can a group of people be so “selective” in their retelling of events? I’ve never given anyone the impression that I’m perfect. I mess up all the time and I work it out at the altar in front of everybody. How can a group of people can get away with such sabotage and it’s NEVER questioned? The only reason I can walk with my head held high is because I know the truth. How can everybody tell me what to do after the fact when they sat in silence? How is it in all this time NOBODY ever said a word to me but gave someone else the impression that they had? The very people that mistreated me, lied to me, manipulated me get the awesome privilege of mockingly standing in my face assured that nothing will ever be done. Lord if a new church is liken to a newborn baby why do so many men/women of God leave their babies in the hands of improper care givers?
Lord I was told that you like to work in 3’s. Well today I got confirmation from 3 different people that I am loved and I am supported. It’s sad though because people can support me but they have to do it in SECRET. Is the power and influence of the “in crowd” that important? I ran into a member of my church today and I couldn’t believe my ears. Upon joining they were told frequently to stay away from me because I was the “crazy” lady who sits in the front, among other things. Here I am thinking nobody cares about me at all, but somebody cares enough to make sure guests know who I am. What he told afterwards really blew my mind. He said because he and his wife had come to know me for themselves they knew the stories about me weren’t true. I’m not crazy at all! I’m just not as good at hiding my flaws as others are. I have no title or clique to hide behind so I have nothing to lose.
People forget I’m human too! People forget I hear and see them whispering about me too! People forget the very people they talk about me with talk to me too! People forget just like they’re watching me somebody else is watching them too! People forget I see them rolling their eyes at me too! People forget we see them too! People forget I see them making fun of me at the altar too! People forget I‘m still in the room too! People forget to keep their word to me too! People forget they told me I could trust them too! People forget I matter too! People forget I know they’re looking for dirt on me too! People forget they’re in church too! People forget they’re more fleshly than spiritual too! People forget I’m anointed too! People forget God showed me who you really are too! People forget the rest of us see this mini kingdom that has set itself up too! People forget I can SEE in the spirit too! People forget they have to answer for their indifference too! People forget that silence implies consent too! People forget that sitting on the left side of the church doesn’t make them exempt too! People forget that God sees them too! You can’t just tell people to leave if they don’t like the way things are, especially if God said stay. Rather than face the big freaking white elephant in the room you in your flesh think its okay to tell wounded people to leave if they don’t like it. It’s not funny at all when most of the SHIT being dumped on a congregation comes from the LEADERS! I can’t leave because GOD didn’t tell me too! I’m here until further notice so YOU get used to it. You FAILED me as leaders! Admit it! You sat back and did nothing too! You ignored me too! You disrespected me too! You passed the buck and dropped the ball too! You mocked me too! You told people I sleep around too! You call me names too! You need to find all the messages I’ve left in 2 years too! You have a hidden agenda too! You cursed me too! You hurt me too! You put your mouth on me too! You lied to the Pastor about me too! You didn’t do your job too! You didn’t tell the Pastor the whole truth too! You put your hands on me too! You belittled me too! You criticized me too! You told me I couldn’t sit there too! You didn’t call that church that wanted to book Pastor too! You made me feel like the Pastor didn’t want to be bothered with me too! You told me I didn’t belong too! You’ve been exposed too! You need to be delivered too! You put on act in front of the Pastor too! You got issues too! You are too familiar with the Pastor too! You tried to FRONT on me too! You need correction too! You got to give an account too! You need to lie on your face too! You have ought with me too! You are defensive too! You interrupted me too! You asked me questions too! You couldn't wait to put me in my place too! You all see this clique every week too! You didn't listen to me too! You need to apologize to me too! You need to show up for Bible Study too! You need to do some fact checking too! You need to make it right too! You need to make some room for the crazy people too! You need to stop calling my house playing on the phone too! You need to ask them point blank what they did too!You need to repent too! You need to pay attention to the rest of us too!  You need to stop popping that gum in my ear when you answer the phone too!  You need to stop talking about me in the office too! You got a stank attitude too! You need to earn your paycheck too! You need to show us you can LEAD too! You need to forgive me too! The body of Christ doesn’t need more acronyms or formulas it needs more Christ like people in the body! Still think I don’t measure up? I’m just like YOU TOO!

Amazed by your grace!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Writing Out Loud 17 November 2009

Listen to the news and try to find at least a news story that is positive. I sometimes turn my television on early in the morning to get a quick synopsis of what’s happening. This morning I was applying my makeup while listening to the morning news and was taken completely aback. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. These news anchors, who furnish us with news that shape our lives, have they always been this negative? The next time you watch the news pay close attention to how the weather anchor conveys the forecast. I turned my internal antennae all the way up and listened to the ominous prediction for the rest of the week. Imagine hearing how dim things are as soon as you wake up 365 days in a row. After ingesting so much dreadful information turning the television off was the only option. I wonder how many times I’ve listened to the news and let news geared only to shock and appall fashion my day. We’ve become hooked on sensational stories so much so, we can’t recognize anything positive or noteworthy. The weather anchor told me this morning that this week was going to be dismal and gloomy. It was so incredibly negative I immediately had to speak against it. Are you really that surprised most of the people in the free world are on anti-depressants?  We need pills to wake up and pills to go to sleep! You shouldn’t be! Satan is the prince of the power of the air. He uses the airwaves to subtly transmit doom and gloom. Don’t believe it! No matter what you see! No matter what you feel. GOD IS GOOD! God is good no matter what Oprah, Bill Maher, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck says. Look beyond the things going on in the natural and you can find hope for tomorrow. You can find God! Take the word good (GOOD), now deduct one O! Now WHO are you left with? That’s right boys and girls GOD!  Do you believe it when the sun doesn’t shine? Do you believe it when your employer hands you a pink slip? Do you believe it when your spouse walks out on you? Do you believe it when you’re blatantly being ignored? Do you believe it when the doctor gives you a bad report? Do you believe it when Sister Jane Doe rolls her eyes at you? Do you believe it when some anchor tells you what they think? Read the undisputed Word of God and find out what God has to say about your situation. I can guarantee the outcome is different than what man has to say. If you can get used to rain and storm clouds every now and then, then certainly you can get used to rainbows too.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Journal Entry 14 November 2009

Today I sat amongst an amazing group of women. As I looked at each one of these anointed beautiful ladies, I saw a reflection of not only you but also myself. It’s wonderful Lord how you can bring women together from various walks of life and still manage to speak ONE word that fits all. I thank YOU Lord that YOU are enabling me by the power of the Holy Spirit to see EVERYBODY the way YOU do. Lord the way YOU see me. I anticipate seeing and displaying MORE transparency as I cultivate new relationships with people you’ve set in my path. I humbly admit I’m a novice when it comes to healthy relationships such as the one YOU and I share, but I will forge ahead because I can’t walk out my salvation alone. I need the help of other BELIEVERS. I need to SEE & HEAR their accounts of how great thou art. Lord what an unbelievable day! What you showed me in just the first few hours of this day was yet another unmistakable gesture of the love YOU feel for all mankind. Nothing, absolutely nothing escapes you. Nothing catches you off guard. There isn’t anything taking place at any time that YOU aren’t aware of. It doesn’t take psychics, tarot cards, astral projection, séances, horoscopes, lucky charms, pentagrams, or spells. It takes only faith to know and to believe that a family is reconciled, the money is deposited, the cancer is healed, and that YOU did it. The more YOU show me who YOU really are, the more others will be able to see YOU in me. You seem to have this domino effect on anybody that comes in contact with you for any length of time.
Remember last Sunday I saw the sun? I saw the sun shine on me as if I were on stage under an impressive spotlight. I got MY answer Lord! All is well Lord and just like YOU promised, everything is already worked out for my good. In a few short days YOU gave me the strength to ride the waves of another storm. Since I know the enemy can’t do anything without your permission, I know this was a God ordained storm. The gale force winds didn’t blow me down this time. I didn’t dissolve in emotional quicksand. I spoke THE WORD! Basically I just reminded YOU of what YOU promised me in your Holy Word. If I give YOU complete control everything with which the enemy means to harm me shall be turned around for YOUR good. Today I had another spontaneous combustion of deliverance followed by copious amounts of praise. I spoke the day I EXPECTED into existence didn’t I? I said today was bright with a high chance of praise. TODAY is the TOMORROW I talked about YESTERDAY! The more I exchange your yoke for my own, the better I feel and my posture just seems to improve. Lord today was a great day indeed and I EXPECT the same tomorrow.  I still need to get my church clothes out, shower, and wash my hair, but I just wanted to drop YOU a few lines. I accept that I’ll never be able to write enough to adequately describe how you’ve changed my life, but I figure just like the Holy Bible, my journal is certifiable evidence YOU did do everything YOU said! I love YOU Daddy! I love my big brother JESUS, and I love the HOLY SPIRIT my best friend.
Amazed by your grace!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Journal Entry 11 November 2009

Lord thank you for another peaceful day. Today is Veteran’s Day! I remember the sacrifices of all those who served and are serving in our Armed Forces! I say THANK YOU! I called my best friend today and boy we reminisced, the phone call that fateful night that changed my life forever, and all the friends who lost their lives in sacrifice to this country. We talked about our time spent stationed in North Carolina and how we were so reckless. Ha! Ha! Ha! What a load of crap unawareness of a invisible enemy is! Lord you loved me even then and I didn’t have a clue. It was YOU I was rummaging around for the entire time. Many times you tirelessly guided me to do this, go there, or simply STOP! You’ve always been right here. All those mistakes I’ve made in my life were not in vain. You are going to use them to facilitate the deliverance for someone else. WOW the term “mess to miracle” takes on a whole new meaning! Lately all I’ve been doing is confessing sin, repenting sin, and receiving forgiveness for sin. Daddy I got to tell you, this whole refining process is a real mutha for ya! I get it though you are removing all the impurities so I can really come through as pure gold. Again one has to appreciate the patience and competence of the enemy. He waits and waits and BAM strikes with a “remixed” version of the SAME attack. There are days Lord when the attacks are so frequent I feel like I’m in a batting cage. The Word works and I’ve been working it like a 9 to 5! I’ve been using the Word like an instant stain remover. I’m at a crucial point in my walk and I can’t allow my spirit to get dirty by anything contrary to what you’ve said. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and I’m still just so appreciative that I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t feel like I’m bothering you. Do you see what being human has done to my psyche? I’ve felt like I’ve bothered you because that is how I’ve been conditioned. I’ve tried to “go it” alone. Now that I’ve given you complete access, I want to rid my shoulders of the extra weight. I’m tired Lord, just so tired. My shoulders hurt because I’ve tried to carry too much, things I was never supposed too. I want YOU to take care of me now! I want to go to sleep knowing I don’t have to worry about bills, aging, car repairs, having enough to eat….the list could go on. I want to REST it’s a declaration as well as an appeal! I’ve wanted to tell YOU this for some time that I’m not used to someone willfully keeping their word where I’m concerned. You are letting me “get used” to your omnipotence, omnipresence and omniscience.

It’s comforting how you take your time with me.  Last night at bible study YOU confirmed again that you HEAR me. The message was substantive and filling. I took 8 pages of notes. As I recopy them it’s like a soothing compress over a gaping wound. I’m HOPING for so many thingsLord!  The man of God was right on, the time between the “promise” and the “manifestation” is usually the time we faint. The first time I knew that I’d heard your voice. I wrote down the time and every word you said BUT I’ve been guilty of trying to remind YOU of what YOU told me. I bet you really get a kick out of the audacity of my humanity.  I even thought I should help you out because I thought YOU were taking entirely TOO long. Lord please forgive me, this was before I was taught you don’t exist in time chronologically. I’ve been careful now to ask only for my “daily” bread. It’s fair since you’re a RIGHT NOW GOD! Since you seem to enjoy being at the wheel, I’m going to sleep while we ride my life out together. Lord did you notice that when I got that “news” last Saturday, I didn’t panic? I knew immediately who “it” was from. I instantly gave “IT” to you and started speaking what you’ve hidden in me, the WORD. I saw the sun the very next day and I felt in that moment, that you were hugging me and letting me know the answer was forthcoming. Until the manifestation, I’ll do what I’ve been doing reading the bible again and again from cover to cover. I’ve already made it back to Psalms 74! I know that I am right on the verge of GREATNESS. I remain STEADFAST!
Amazed by your grace!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Killed Anyone "Randomly" Lately?

It’s a somber occasion and YOU’RE INVITED! Did you get your invitation? Surely by now you’ve heard that John Allen Muhammad, one of the DC Sniper’s will be executed tonight at 9pm EST. I checked my calendar and it just so happens I will be attending Bible Study tonight. I have lifted up so many prayers today not just for the “good” people but also for the “bad.” All the “random” victims who won’t make the news today, I said prayers for them. I remember the confusion and fear that gripped the Virginia, DC/Metropolitan area back in 2002. The killings appeared so random in nature, just no rhyme or reason. Only a few months earlier I’d been living in that area. If I’d stayed could I have been another “random” victim? Most people have a definitive answer to whether or not they support capital punishment. I don’t! I don’t believe that I have the right to take the life of another human being and label it justice to suit my emotions or grief. However long it takes until John Allen Muhammad breathes his last, there will be no winners today. How can there be a party if everybody is dead?
Have you ever thought about all the “random” people we kill daily? I don’t mean in the physical sense with a .45 caliber weapon or a hunting knife. So what about it, have you killed anyone lately? I have, many times I have “randomly” killed others with my hatred, indifference, xenophobia, deceitfulness, condemnation, inaction, prejudice, innuendo, gossip, judgment, rebellion, abhorrence, pity, and blame. I’ve lethally injected my venom into the spirits of countless people. What should my punishment be? Should I be killed? I’ve taken many lives rendering many “random” people spiritually lifeless. So many bad things that seem “random” are happening. I can’t keep up with the violent slayings, kidnappings, rapes, or burglaries, anymore. I doubt law enforcement could even give an accurate account either. I will have to give an account though when I stand before My Father in Heaven. Justice says~ someone kills, then we kill them, and it’s all to teach us not to kill. If capital punishment was meant to deter us from crime, it has seriously failed in its efforts. I am eligible to be interred at Arlington National Cemetery, but could the “random” way I’ve treated others prevent it? To all my “random” victims I ASK for your earthly forgiveness. To My Heavenly Father, thank you for GRANTING me eternal clemency.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Writing Out Loud 05 November 2009

People often pop into my mind and I am never sure why. Yesterday a lady I hadn’t seen at church in awhile was put on my heart. I don’t know why but I sent her a little message just to make sure she was alright. We all want to believe that our lives are so busy and complicated that not even a few seconds can be spared except on ourselves. We walk around with our hands free devices and laptops looking like we got it “going on.” Yet there are people right under our noses who are love starved for somebody, anybody to just give a damn. You see them all the time they roam the corridors of your schools, office buildings, soccer fields, churches, and malls. We with our self absorbed selves are so important we pass them by because we’re so engrossed in our own self importance. That person that bumped into you didn’t mean anything by it. I would even venture to say that some people bump into us just so they can feel human contact. I am not shocked by the events of yesterday or the past week for that matter. I am saddened. The world isn’t the same hasn’t been since Genesis 3. The real back story here is that according to the Word of God more horrible things are to come.
I always find it strange that after a tragedy strikes everybody seems so interested in sporadic sound bytes of a person’s life. Why don’t we care more about victims and victimizer’s before people lose their lives? We throw mud on each other our entire lives and as soon as tragedy strikes we throw roses. By no means do I advocate the taking of another person life, I just know there is more to the story than what we’re told by ambitious reporters looking to score ratings. I can see it now, reporters scrambling to dig up every unpaid parking ticket or unreturned library book. People care more about the headlines than the real story behind them. Nobody cared about this man before 1329 yesterday. Sad isn’t it? I bet he displayed all the “classic” signs that something was amiss. I wonder how many people he “bumped” into. To add to this tragedy is the fact that this person responsible has a distinctive foreign name. Will he be a monster simply because of what he did or because his name isn’t John Smith and he did something horrible? We’d all be better served if we paid more attention to others rather than our jobs, cars, and houses. I know, I know you don’t care because none of this happened to you right? Wrong answer! The next time someone “bumps” into you what will you do?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Journal Entry 05 November 2009

Lord I am still in awe as I think about how far you have brought me. I know it sounds cliché but you really are who you say you are, and you really are able to do what you say you will do. I refused to wholly let you in Lord because I thought you’d be just like everybody else in my life. Why would you love me? Why would you even want me when nobody else seemed to notice I was here? When I was a little girl I remember thinking you gave each of us everything we needed off a conveyer belt. I used to think that when it came my time to pass before you that somehow you turned your head and I didn’t get everything I needed to make it in life. I thought Lord that you had failed me. I thought if I made you mad enough you’d just leave like everybody else. So I kept you at bay thinking I could play games with you. I thought I could box you in. I thought I could control you. I thought I could treat you like a common man. Boy was I wrong! You are so much bigger than the gray matter between my ears. You love me! You really love me! You make me smile and I like thinking I make you smile too!
You have become everything to me because you taught me how to submit, how to lean, how to let go. Lord, I am very impressed with you and what it has taken is for me to grow spiritually. You have given me a confidence and a boldness I never had before. Some might mistake it for something else but, I know it’s simply an understanding of who I really am in you. Remember how it was in the early days? I remember you standing outside the doors of my heart wanting to be invited in. You are such a freaking gentleman, never forcing yourself but waiting on me to extend the invitation. Because of all the heartache I’ve had to endure I equated your love with human love. Lord you are not common, not in the least. I have to laugh now because probably the most noticeable occurrence is how you have transformed me into a lady. I remember when I hated dresses, make-up, or clothing that required ironing. Now look at me, I iron, I wear skirts, high heels, make-up, and colors other than black. I never cared who I gave my body to or how horribly a man treated me. This month I will celebrate another year of celibacy. It’s more than wanting better it’s knowing I deserve better.
I’ll never know why my earthly father took his life, why he wasn’t strong enough to stay here for his little girl. It’s hurt me not knowing or thinking even as a baby that somehow I caused it. The one thing I’ve wanted most in my life is a Father. I always wanted to know what it felt like to be someone’s little girl. I always wanted to know how it felt to lay in a Father’s arms and cry, or laugh whatever I wanted to do. I always wanted to know what it felt like to know I was safe. I always wanted to know what it felt like I didn’t have to “run”. Now Lord I want to know what it feels like to rest. Now I feel like I am 38 years overdue for a long rest. Rest from my enemies, rest from anything not sent from heaven’s post office. I feel like I’ve been running all my life because I have never felt settled. I couldn’t sleep because of the “monster” who abused me in my room at night. I couldn’t sleep because I lay in cold urine too afraid to move until morning. I couldn’t rest because a cloud of darkness has been chasing me. I’ve always wanted a Father and I realize now that I’ve always had one in you. You are the “daddy” I want to come home and tell about my day. You are the “daddy” I want to tell about preaching my first sermon. You are the “daddy” I want to tell about the man who will change my last name. Things I dared dream were possible now really are: deliverance, reconciliation, financial breakthrough, new levels, even a man who loves me. All this is possible Lord because of you never giving up on me. That’s why some days when I’m driving in my car I have to pull over and cry. That’s why I have to dance. That’s why I lift my hands. That is why I can lay on my face and not care that people are muttering “it don’t take all that.” That is why I can smile. I learned in an instant how I just need to get out of your way.  I learned that you don’t need my help, only my obedience. There is such a hope in knowing that I can bear all of this because you believe in me. I can’t fully explain what it’s like to know that you, the Almighty God thinks so highly of a wretch like me. I could never write it all. It is too much but I’ll keep trying.
Amazed by your grace!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Journal Entry 01 November 2009

I love to imagine Lord that when I speak to you, I’m sitting in your lap. I am really enjoying having a father who is reachable, palpable, and so lovable. Just last night I had to admit that I didn’t know how to give you a few problems. I just said take it off of me. In the past few years Lord, I’ve needed you in ways I never knew I could. I am proud to wear the moniker “work in progress”. My journals have really stacked up over the years. I’m days away from starting a new one. I can’t wait to see what I’ll write in this one. Lord the progress I’ve made spiritually is beyond belief. When I look at myself I know without a doubt that you did it. Deliverance is mine and I am enjoying being set free from legalism, religion, and most of all people.
I love that you convict me, there’s such an indescribable freedom in that. Thank you for showing me in the Word where to go for the issues I face now: Philippians 4:2-4, 1 Corinthians 16:9, Psalms 27, and my favorite Psalms 56:8, they’re really ministering to me Philippians especially. I am not sure if I am Euodia or Syntyche but what I will say is that I am convicted every time I read it. I’ve grumbled, murmured, complained and voiced my opinion on matters not making them better but worse to the detriment of the Gospel. That’s how I know you love me because you correct me just like a father would. I’m so thankful Lord that you really listen to me. I’ve always had an inquisitive mind that thirsts for knowledge. None of my questions no matter how bizarre bother you. I just love that! You may not answer me when I like or how I like, but I know you’re attentive. It’s awesome to see and feel love.
I’ve been through so much in my life. So much so I wish the people who seem to “hate” me so much knew. They don’t know how I have had to leave church just so “they” couldn’t see me cry. They don’t know how I have had to struggle with suicide, depression, and loneliness. They don’t know that there’ve been times when suicide seemed to be my only feasible option. It’s something to look back on a time when death seduced me so sweetly with a bottle of pills and now the sun gives me the determination to live. Today’s sermon really helped me it was a turning point in many ways. Everything I’ve been lamenting about lately was covered. I felt like I was at a major crossroads but I got my answer. I was called to this church and I have to stay here. The enemy isn’t going to just let me “walk” into my destiny. It would be easy to pick up and leave but I have to stay and fight. Lord thank you for literally instructing me to “get up”, pick my cross back up and continue to carry it as I walk out my salvation.
I realized today that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. I am still trying to process everything that happened today Lord. I have been rendered speechless but technology helps with this. Lord I don’t know what to say. Whenever I utter the words thank you they never seem to fully describe in enough detail how truly thankful I am at all you have done. I love you Lord so very much. I am so proud to be your daughter. Thank you for giving me the grace to walk in church today with my head held high not in arrogance but humility.

Amazed by your grace!

Friday, October 23, 2009


Morning Verse

"Will ye also go away?" John 6:67

Many have forsaken Christ, and have walked no more with Him; but what reason have YOU to make a change? Has there been any reason for it in the past? Has not Jesus proved Himself all-sufficient? He appeals to you this morning—"Have I been a wilderness unto you?" When your soul has simply trusted Jesus, have you ever been confounded? Have you not up till now found your Lord to be a compassionate and generous friend to you, and has not simple faith in Him given you all the peace your spirit could desire? Can you so much as dream of a better friend than He has been to you? Then change not the old and tried for new and false. As for the present, can that compel you to leave Christ? When we are hard beset with this world, or with the severer trials within the Church, we find it a most blessed thing to pillow our head upon the bosom of our Saviour. This is the joy we have today that we are saved in Him; and if this joy be satisfying, wherefore should we think of changing? Who barters gold for dross? We will not forswear the sun till we find a better light, nor leave our Lord until a brighter lover shall appear; and, since this can never be, we will hold Him with a grasp immortal, and bind His name as a seal upon our arm. As for the future, can you suggest anything which can arise that shall render it necessary for you to mutiny, or desert the old flag to serve under another captain? We think not. If life be long—He changes not. If we are poor, what better than to have Christ who can make us rich? When we are sick, what more do we want than Jesus to make our bed in our sickness? When we die, is it not written that "neither death, nor life, nor things present, nor things to come, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" We say with Peter, "Lord, to whom shall we go?"

Evening Verse

"Why sleep ye? rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation." Luke 22:46

When is the Christian most liable to sleep? Is it not when his temporal circumstances are prosperous? Have you not found it so? When you had daily troubles to take to the throne of grace, were you not more wakeful than you are now? Easy roads make sleepy travellers. Another dangerous time is when all goes pleasantly in spiritual matters. Christian went not to sleep when lions were in the way, or when he was wading through the river, or when fighting with Apollyon, but when he had climbed half way up the Hill Difficulty, and came to a delightful arbour, he sat down, and forthwith fell asleep, to his great sorrow and loss. The enchanted ground is a place of balmy breezes, laden with fragrant odours and soft influences, all tending to lull pilgrims to sleep. Remember Bunyan's description: "Then they came to an arbour, warm, and promising much refreshing to the weary pilgrims; for it was finely wrought above head, beautified with greens, and furnished with benches and settles. It had also in it a soft couch, where the weary might lean." "The arbour was called the Slothful's Friend, and was made on purpose to allure, if it might be, some of the pilgrims to take up their rest there when weary." Depend upon it, it is in easy places that men shut their eyes and wander into the dreamy land of forgetfulness. Old Erskine wisely remarked, "I like a roaring devil better than a sleeping devil." There is no temptation half so dangerous as not being tempted. The distressed soul does not sleep; it is after we enter into peaceful confidence and full assurance that we are in danger of slumbering. The disciples fell asleep after they had seen Jesus transfigured on the mountain top. Take heed, joyous Christian, good frames are near neighbours to temptations: be as happy as you will, only be watchful.

Victims Have Choices

You know the truth will set you free but first it may piss you off. I will continue to say “Victims Have Choices” until someone believes it. I have two friends in terrible situations. Do you have a moment? A synopsis of the situation if you will~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of my friends has chosen to cohabitate with a man that is NOT her husband. Just today I was informed she was terminated from her job. Her life to everybody BUT her just seems to keep spiraling out of control. How bad will this get before she can finally see her worth? When she and her husband separated four years ago I supported her, I listened to her. This situation now with this man that is NOT her husband, I can’t condone nor will I help her justify it. It is NOT going to work. I remind her all the time that we can’t bring God’s Word down to our level to fit our lives. I can’t in good conscience tell her anything else but God’s truth. I wonder why she calls at all when she knows she CAN”T coddle me into celebrating this ever increasing HOT>FUNKY>MESS.
The other friend is also in a bad situation one that involves domestic violence. It’s hard to watch her weep and mourn for a man that beats the crap out o f her. She didn’t or wouldn’t call the police. Needless to say someone else did and now he’s in jail. I explained to this friend now is perhaps an excellent time to extract herself from this chaotic mess. Again how bad will this have to get? I offered my home and other resources (shelters, abuse hotline etc.) to her. If this man gets out of jail and she goes back to him at what point am I exonerated from giving a damn?

Thank God for my sister who gives really wise counsel. She told me to continue to pray, continue to listen, and to continue to help if I can. I feel as though I am being a very good friend but I have to set limits and boundaries. Though both of these friend’s stories vary, I believe they both still have choices. They can choose NOT to be victims and choose to be victorious! I love both of them enough to tell them there’s no freaking way these men love you. Any man a woman has to constantly make excuses for gives me reasons to ponder. So I say again “Victims Have Choices”!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Journal Entry 21 October 2009

Lord I appreciate always that I get to talk you whenever and however I can. I ‘m glad we got a chance to spend some time together this week at our “spot” these past couple days. Things are better than ever in my life but there are two issues I need your guidance and direction on. It’s imperative Lord! Like RadioShack, I’ve got questions and YOU got the answers. Lord location and church: these are two major issues I need some clarity on. I got this sinking suspicion that I should be somewhere else. How long Lord will I have to live here? I miss the sun shining on me nearly year round. I miss family scattered in warmer climates. I miss my best friend. I miss only having to wear a light jacket as a “winter coat”. Can I go now Lord? Is there a one-way ticket out of here?

I thought about where I was last year. You remember don’t you? I left church last October and didn’t return until this past April. Well I got that itch again. I feel like I am suffocating here. I don’t want to be turned into another “cookie cutter” Christian. Do you think I joined purely out of emotionalism? It seems like the novelty of this church has completely worn off and my eyes are just wide open. I sit Lord and watch people who are so threatened by my anointing do any and everything they can to abort the blessings I am carrying. The gifts you gave me. I can’t do it anymore! I am just ready to move on. Like Gideon, I guess I am soliciting YOU for a sign. I don’t want to “rot” here in this city or another church.  There has to be someplace Lord, someplace else where you could use me. Isn’t there? This is “their” church, clearly it is. Let them have it! I don’t want anybody’s seat, anybody’s ministry or anybody’s position. I only want what YOU said is mine. I just don’t think I’ll be able to get it here. I only want to be where I am supposed to be.  How can I make this petition to YOU any plainer?  I’m ready to go Lord!  I’ve been ready to go just send me!

Amazed by Your Grace!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Love's In Need Today!

Issues of race will continue to divide this country until we speak of our experiences openly. I think for most of my life I’ve talked myself out of entering into romantic entanglements with men from different races than my own. I believe this wayward thinking of mine started back in my childhood in Louisiana. When I served in the military I was asked out on many occasions by men from all shades of the racial rainbow. I accepted an invitation to the movies with a Caucasian male many years ago. He was one the sweetest men I’d ever met, but the glares we received were unbearable. I came away from the experience thinking that maybe it would just be easier if I stayed within my own race rather than complicate matters further. I believed “playing it safe” was the better solution for all involved. I was wrong!
I wonder now at how I possibly have contributed to the racial divide in this country because I chose to take the easiest safest route, that is to say opt of dating someone different just to afford me and the bigots a little tranquility. Recently I had the pleasure of meeting the most chaming man in a  really long time. He is attractive, educated, gets my brand of  sarcastic humor and most of all he loves the Lord.  He is NOT African-American! What would the rest of the world have to say I wonder given the current racial climate?  I believe now that choosing not to date someone because they are different helps to keep racial divisiveness alive.   I’m not at all sure of what meeting this person means for my life.  If he ever asked me out I'd be more inclined now to say "YES".  I wish to break the racial stronghold that has been imposed on me through fear right now. I give myself freedom to freely love whomever I want.

If our voices remain inaudible, the silence echoes louder than any bigot’s jeers and taunts ever could. I hereby decree that I am free to LOVE and you are too!

Death Of A Black Woman

While struggling with the reality of being a human instead of a myth, thestrong black woman passed away. Medical sources say she died of naturalcauses, but those who knew her know:
She died from being silent when she should have been screaming, smilingwhen she should have been raging, from being sick and not wanting anyone toknow because her pain might inconvenience them.
She died from an overdoseof other people clinging to her when she didn't even have energy forherself. She died from loving men who didn't' t love themselves and couldonly offer her a crippled reflection. She died from raising children alone.She died from the lies her grandmother told her mother and her mother told her about life, men & racism.. She died from being sexually abused as achild and having to take that truth everywhere she went every day of herlife, exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again. She died from asphyxiation, coughing up blood from secrets she kept trying to burn away instead of allowing herself the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to, but only white girls could afford. She died from being responsible, because she was the last rung on the ladder and there was no one under her she could dump on. The strong black woman is dead. She died from being a mother at 15 and agrandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45. She died from being dragged downand spat upon by un-evolved women posing as sisters and friends. She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful, just to have a man around the house. She died from sacrificing herself for everybody and everything when what she really wanted to do was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other. She died from lies of omission because she didn't want to bring the black man down. She died from tributes from her counterparts who should have been matching her efforts instead of showering her with dead words and empty songs. She died from myths that would not allow her to show weakness without being chastised by the lazy and hazy. She died from hiding her real feelings until they became hard and bitter enough to invade her womb and breasts like angry tumors. She died from always lifting something from heavy boxes to refrigerators all by herself. The strong black woman is dead. She died from never being enough of what men wanted, or being too much for the men she wanted. She died from being too black and died again for not being black enough. She died from being misinformed about her mind, her body & the extent of her royal capabilities. She died from knees pressed too close together because respect was never part of the foreplay that was being shoved at her. She died from loneliness in birthing rooms and aloneness in abortion centers. She died in bathrooms with her veins busting open with self-hatred and neglect. And sometimes when she refused to die, when she just refused to give in she was killed by the lethal images of blond hair, blue eyes and flat butts. Sometimes, she was stomped to death by racism & sexism, executed by hi-tech ignorance while she carried the family in her belly, the community on herhead, and the race on her back! The strong black woman is dead! Or is she? No she isn't, not if she's reading this!!!!!!!!!!!Pass this on to all the strong black women (and men) so that they will love, respect, and admire you!

Author Unknown

Monday, October 5, 2009

When are WE Going to Get Over It?

Andrew M. Manis: When Are WE Going to Get Over It?

For much of the last forty years, ever since America "fixed" its race problem in the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts, we white people have been impatient with African Americans who continued to blame race for their difficulties. Often we have heard whites ask, "When are African Americans finally going to get over it?
Now I want to ask:
"When are we White Americans going to get over our ridiculous obsession with skin color? Recent reports that "Election Spurs Hundreds' of Race Threats, Crimes" should frighten and infuriate every one of us. Having grown up in "Bombingham," Alabama in the 1960s, I remember overhearing an avalanche of comments about what many white classmates and their parents wanted to do to John and Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King.
Eventually, as you may recall, in all three cases, someone decided to do more than "talk the talk."
Since our recent presidential election, to our eternal shame we are once again hearing the same reprehensible talk I remember from my boyhood. We white people have controlled political life in the disunited colonies and United States for some 400 years on this continent.
Conservative whites have been in power 28 of the last 40 years. Even during the eight Clinton years, conservatives in Congress blocked most of his agenda and pulled him to the right. Yet never in that period did I read any headlines suggesting that anyone was calling for the assassinations of presidents Nixon, Ford, Reagan, or either of the Bushes. Criticize them, yes.
Call for their impeachment, perhaps. But there were no bounties on their heads. And even when someone did try to kill Ronald Reagan, the perpetrator was non-political mental case who wanted merely to impress Jody Foster. But elect a liberal who happens to be Black and we're back in the sixties again. At this point in our history, we should be proud that we've proven what conservatives are always saying -- that in America anything is possible, EVEN electing a black man as president.
But instead we now hear that school children from Maine to California are talking about wanting to "assassinate Obama."
Fighting the urge to throw up, I can only ask, "How long?"
How long before we white people realize we can't make our nation, much less the whole world, look like us?
How long until we white people can - once and for all - get over this hell-conceived preoccupation with skin color?
How long until we white people get over the demonic conviction that white skin makes us superior?
How long before we white people get over our bitter resentments about being demoted to the status of equality with non-whites? How long before we get over our expectations that we should be at the head of the line merely because of our white skin?
How long until we white people end our silence and call out our peers when they share the latest racist jokes in the privacy of our white-only conversations?
I believe in free speech, but how long until we white people start making racist loudmouths as socially uncomfortable as we do flag burners?
How long until we white people will stop insisting that blacks exercise personal responsibility, build strong families, educate themselves enough to edit the Harvard Law Review, and work hard enough to become President of the United States, only to threaten to assassinate them when they do? How long before we starting "living out the true meaning" of our creeds, both civil and religious, that all men and women are created equal and that "red and yellow, black and white" all are precious in God's sight?
Until this past November 4, I didn't believe this country would ever elect an African American to the presidency. I still don't believe I'll live long enough to see us white people get over our racism problem.
But here's my three-point plan:
First, everyday that Barack Obama lives in the White House that Black Slaves Built, I'm going to pray that God (and the Secret Service) will protect him and his family from us white people. Second, I'm going to report to the FBI any white person I overhear saying, in seriousness or in jest, anything of a threatening nature about President Obama.
Third, I'm going to pray to live long enough to see America surprise the world once again, when white people can "in spirit and in truth" sing of our damnable color prejudice,
"We HAVE overcome." ************************************** It takes a Village to protect our President!!!