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Monday, November 17, 2008

The Diary of A Former Whore PT 9 The Finale

Monday 11:43am

Yeah I made it to heaven and the devil is mad

The accuser stands before God like 5 O with a badge

I live in the clouds, Satan had better get off my ass

Satan only bothers people he doesn't already have

That's how Satan does his version of the new Math

Suggestion Satan's only way of entry God's Word is his last

The enemy loves to twist scripture diverting truth from its path

He did it to Eve in Genesis and never looked back

From eternity I still see good and evil clash

Dude just raped that boy Earth didn't bat a lash

You believe Oprah is the Gospel…God you don't ask

Tuesday 9:23pm

Jesus' eyes are larger than I imagined but He is just as dear

He’s ALL inclusive speaking to "former" everybody's ears palpable and clear

When the Patriarchs walk by all the Saints cheer

The best part about heaven there are no tears

The second best part about heaven there are no fears

The third best part about heaven there are no years

Completely empty of the enemy and his negative campaign smears

Uh oh Judgment Day with the Father is very near

No time to get my story straight or chase my ands ifs, or buts, with a beer

Wednesday 12:27am

Pacing the Garden of Eden I hope God is not a drag

Got to account for the life I lived Judgment came fast

I thought God would be more formal but He lifted me on his lap

Satan hopes I'll be kicked out he's protesting in Hell's grass

A beautiful musical instrument Satan is evil's top brass

Satan fell like a SCUD missile to rule the world's trash

In heaven only what I did for Christ is going to last

Jesus looked down at Satan, Heaven beyond Him vast

I'm already in Heaven Satan is such a freaking nag

Jesus gave me "two thumbs up" "Lynn Moore" got the last laugh

Whatever you've done see it's not that bad

Jesus' blood makes you brand new just like that

Thursday 1:25am

Vexed my vantage point lets me see shore to shore

I'm a spirit now but for Earth my spirit mourns

From heaven I see arrogant rich people now humbled and poor

Doing right, having morals when did this become a bore

We praise God for real not SHOW not a chore

From heaven we see countless lives torn

If you got to make the doughnuts you're up before 4

In heaven awaits all the blessings you refuse to believe God for

Gordon Gecko was wrong about greed don’t use that door

The graveyard never fully satisfied it always wants more

Friday 2:09pm

I journal a lot in heaven, Jesus and I talk by the lake

Even in heaven a private audience for words I need to say

Jesus said I have eternity to talk starting with this day

Millions will have their chance no one is scheduled out of His way

I want to talk of things I know I did to make His heart ache

Did I keep Jesus up at night? Did I keep God up too late

Did I forgive 7x7x7 or want vengeance 8x8x8

Jesus some of those choices I didn't have to make

I opened the oven too early ruining a lot of cakes

Grace and Mercy is like acting you get more than one take

Saturday 4:44am

Face to face with God the One who built Joan Rivers

I look just like Him Wow! I really am a dead ringer

There is true equality in heaven no one has to prove they're a winner

One thing all of us share EXCEPT Jesus we're all formerly sinners

God wasn't a man but Spirit He said I'd been an excellent tipper

I did more wrong than right being saved was the zinger

The number of people I thought I would see in heaven is thinner

Where are all the "Christians" the thought lingers

I finally met my guardian angel her name was Ginger

Sunday 8:56pm

God never thought of "Lynn Moore" as a whore

He was in those motels He said don't do this no more

Are you saved? R. S.V.P. meet me at Heaven's Door

Mansions, plenty of closet space you'll dig the golden floors

My slate clean way before I made it to eternity that's the score

I dig my heavenly body it beat my fix or repair daily Ford

God lets me write my "Diary" in the clouds so I'm never bored

I'm resting in peace with my Savior Praise the Lord

We win in the End that's what This "Diary" was For

THE END REALLY!!!




Ladies Do The Math


You knew within the first five minutes of meeting him that he could and would “talk you out of your panties” that night. You slept with him anyway against your better judgment. You’re pissed because he hasn’t returned any of your calls, texts, or letters delivered by personal messenger. You use to laugh at the women on those Lifetime Movies. Now it’s easy to see how you could be cast as the “femme fatale”. You thought you could impress him by not being like those other silly women. You thought the matronly act would make you more memorable. You looked forward to all his future calls, text messages, and moments together. Now you want to understand why something so intimate was so casual. He treated you like an errand that couldn’t wait. You laid down thinking this time it’s going to be different. I won’t hassle him, I won’t nag him, and I won’t do any of the things his last girlfriend did. What you didn’t count on was that he’s had a string of “memorable” women just like you all his life. Girl, you weren’t special. You were just a quick easy lay. So why are you still crying? You knew you couldn’t separate sex from love. It’s been 3 weeks already! He hasn’t called by now just accept that he won’t and take those ridiculous curlers out of your hair. Why are you letting yourself go over some guy you picked up while getting your annual emissions test? Now before you invite all your girlfriends to another “pity party” where you blame ALL men….PAUSE!
Go ahead and admit that you chose him long before he chose you. You knew you weren’t ready to be intimate, but you thought letting him partake of your fruit would keep him. You knew deep down that you deserved better but you settled once again for smooth talk and Red Lobster. The worst part is he pretended he left his credit card and you ended up paying for the meal. So he got shrimp and sex on account of your poor mathematical skills. You got played but it could have been avoided. Before you inhale that gallon of Chunky Chocolate chip ice cream, take a few moments to see where you went wrong.
Let me give it to you straight…..no chaser……
Most women already know the type of men they are dealing with whether they want to admit it or not. We got this neurotic idea that we can change men. Why are we in such a rush to change men but we ourselves need the most work inward and don’t want to change? Stop rolling your eyes and read on……Look at all the “BAD” relationships you’ve had! There is one common denominator. You want to know what it is? That’s right Sister, You!
Ladies you are worthy of the man God created for you not some man you picked on your own. If every man you end up with is just a copy of the last one, it should speak volumes about your issues not the other person!
It is no longer fair for women to continue to blame men for the choices we continue to make.
I challenge all women today to do some basic math.
Subtract: People who withdraw more from you than they deposit
Add: People that bring value to your life
Divide: Your time wisely. Spend more time getting to know you Multiply: The joy that comes from knowing
that no one can complete you.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

How To Look Good Naked!

How do I look good naked?
Simple, I just turn off the damn lights
I find me some spanx on sale at JC Penny's
Or get some Lycra on these cottage cheese thighs
How do I look good naked?
Fine, I got stretch marks running from end to end
I 'm a grown woman whose had two children.
I eat like I want and I don't try to squeeze a 12 into a 10!
How I do look good naked?
Fabulous, I just let my big ole gut hang
I pile up my plate
Sneak another piece of Mom's cake
And drift off to la la land!
And if my weight gets a little out of hand
I know how to get it back on track
I simply refer to the Supermodel's "code of ethics"
And pour 2 Tablespoons of Syrup of Ipecac
Now how do you look good naked?
And do you really even care?
We are all getting white robes anyway
God is giving us the exact same thing to wear
So we are all going to look good naked
When we meet in glory someday
I cannot wait to ditch these filthy rags
And walk the fiercest golden runway

The Final Act!

Every SUNDAY morning an Usher gives me a program

And shows me to my seat

I TRY to feign my displeasure when the curtains open

And the same "stage hands" attempt to PERFORM another "church" service for me!


It's the SAME "show", SAME "script", the SAME "actors" on stage every week.

BEFORE they FAKE the ungodly "Holy Funk"

Miraculously

I ALREADY KNOW what I'm going to see


"Performers", and they got it DOWN to a science, scriptures, songs

And the waving of the hands

But REAL spiritual discernment

Is something a "FALSE" Worshipper will not ever understand!


WE know WHO you all are.

You hang out in church in VARIOUS little "cliques".

Remember the immature "COOL" crowd 20 years ago?

Yeah the ones back in high school

That THOUGHT they were the shit!


I just can't get over the POOR leadership

WHOSE interests does the church really have at heart?

And why is a "Clique" RUNNING the ENTIRE church?

WHY do you keep giving Satan's UNDERSTUDY the LEAD part?


Yes "Performers" that is what you are

I get so tired of the same rehearsed ACT!

That HOT MESS does not even reach heaven

Read Malachi 1:10 it's there and it's a biblical FACT!


When the "STAR" Pastor gives the Benediction,

Like a trucker, I haul ass to my waiting car.

I set my Blackberry for TWO minutes

Getting away from "church" is like a real SERIOUS fire alarm!


A $1.00 I can give you, it's all I have in my purse

Hurry up ...cut to the CLOSING credits

Make it do what it do baby :-)

So I can put my Chevy Malibu in REVERSE!


God, don't you even care

Hungry wolves are DEVOURING your starving SHEEP?

The phony people are given "carte blanche" at church

And our fearless "LEADERS" still PRETEND they don't SEE!


No I am not a "CELEBRITY"

Is this why you choose to "OVERLOOK" me?

I made an appointment with the "STAR" Pastor a year ago

His STAFF claims I'm on some "LIST"

But I know I'll NEVER be seen!


SELECTING who gets to SEE the "STAR" Pastor

This CAST that doubles as HIS staff is a trip

You MISJUDGED my superior INTELLIGENCE

I KEPT THE APPOINTMENT SLIP


A SMALL church down in Georgia tried to BOOK the STAR Pastor

And his church STAFF wouldn't even CALL that church back

They will FOREVER associate this PASTOR

With how his OFFENSIVE church staff ACTS


I see how this "CAST" works now

I only wish I'd known from the start

That black EMPTY hole isn't a PROP

The EVIL spirit in this church DICTATES it's EVIL heart


Now ya'll don't get me wrong

I really love the Lord

I've just begun to truly DISLIKE the "church"

Bad "actors" performing "religious" scenes on stage

Do nothing but make WORSHIP worse!


I've convinced MYSELF to try to return

And I was gone a long, long while

Everybody's still SLEEPING on the same casting couch

For that, I don't clap, and I simply REFUSE to smile!


I don't believe in the people in front of me

So I constantly bite my lower lip

"Actors" who just gloss over the bible

Deliberately not using God's HOLY script!


I see you "RUNNING" your lines in the hallway

This lets me you know that you are NOT for real

Picking out "EAR TICKLING" words from a thesaurus

Like Aretha Franklin, trying to give the AUDIENCE something we can feel!


Is this what the "church" NOW calls Anointed"?

"Actors" on SUNDAY who can't even act?

Well let me give you my "BAPTIST" middle finger :-)

And I DEMAND all my money back!


The CURTAIN is slowly closing

The casting director, JESUS is separating chaff from wheat

Lights out for your PUPPET MASTER Satan

It's God's FINAL act with your DELETED scenes!


You gave me the RIGHT hand of fellowship

It doesn't seem to matter, so I'll be QUICK & blunt

Those people LACKING God's spirit

I'm NOT following them

They just happen to be out in FRONT!


The SERMONS are about all I can handle

The dog & pony shows I can do without

Here's a helpful suggestion "church"

HIRE Jesus as your next TALENT SCOUT!


In many "MINISTRIES" today

It appears that almost ANYTHING goes

But you still DON'T have to be a "STAR" baby

To be USED in God's show


If I decide to SEE a "show"

I can barely lift my head

Lord, if this ISN'T the church I should be at

Please SEND me somewhere else to be FED


God what is a SINNER like me to do

WHERE does a disillusioned Christian go

Lead ME somewhere, anywhere

Where at least you "STAR" in the show


Did you think I was SMILING?

Hell no the "church" has CAUSED me to frown

First, FIX this sad PRODUCTION

BEFORE you open this "SHOW" in a NEW town


And if this is the BEST the church can do

Sundays, I'll gladly "FORCE" myself to stay home

Because when GOD doesn't ask for an ENCORE

You've received BAD reviews

You SUCK leave the ACTING alone!

THE END!

Getting Under My Skin

Sarah Palin need I say more? I can't understand a thing this woman says. It's like listening to a dyslexic Dr. Seus riddle! Don't vote for anybody just because they happen to SHARE certain parts of your anatomy (like breasts and ovaries). Vote for them because they WILL but more importantly CAN do the job! Stay away from the moose chili!

Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity & Karl Rove if these 3 guys are LOOSE in America...Tell me, who is running hell?

I'm going to attempt to explain the DIFFERENCE between a bulletin and a blog according to me. BULLETINS are short & simple. They state what you would like the reader to know in clear & concise language (usually no more than a few sentences). Think of a bullet fired from a gun or a bank robber, (in and out)! BLOGS on the other hand, are more like you receiving incoming calls on your cell phone and the plan you have includes "unlimited" minutes. You can talk all day! Some of my friends on MySpace keep sending me blogs "diguised" as bulletins, and I just wish
you would learn the difference! (LMAO)

Soccer Moms in MINIVANS stop merging into highway traffic doing 25mph. I don't know where you could possibly be going in America that slow, but I don't have time to do the speed limit on the day you want to take Biff and Muffy to the petting zoo just because it's Tuesday. You see, I'm trying to get to ComEd BEFORE they close so they won't turn my lights off! Thanks to our CURRENT President, choosing between the lights and food was a luxury today. GUESS who won? You got it ....ComEd! You, well you're just on the road taking a Sunday drive caressing the strand of pearls your husband gave you just because ...it's Tuesday! BITE ME and get in the right lane marked for the SLOW drivers that don't have ANYTHING else to do BUT the speed limit!

For those brave first timers who INSIST on trying to learn the lingo at Starbucks by going through the drive- thru of all places. Show some compassion for people with serious "Starbucks" addictions. Go inside! So that me and most of the free world can get our much needed overpriced "MEDICINE" on time!

I really HATE those SONIC commercials but I'll be damned if that food does not always look so good!

To the kids with those stupid shoes with the wheels on the back of them (heelies), get out of my d%*m way. You are going to make me kill myself. Holy crap, you scare the hell out of me! You are like a pungent STD with no penicillin in sight. Quit rolling up on the back of my d%*m ankles in the mall and Wal-Mart. MOVE before I move you, and you can tell your Momma I said that!

Pet owners pick up when your beloved Fido craps all over the freaking sidewalk. I swear between you and those d*%m kids with those heelies shoes. I feel like I'm running an obstacle course just to get anywhere anymore! Every time I leave the house it looks like I'm playing hopscotch because YOUR dog's shit is all over the side walk!

Celebs who ONLY give me the time of day only because it's Tuesday or Friday...like us "regular" people don't know by now what those two days of the week represent!

Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Andersen, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton & all you other Hollywood starlets I've created a new fragrance just for you it is called FIRECROTCH!

For goodness sakes, take your hands-free device OFF in church. Come on it's the Sabbath! I would imagine even Jesus lets His calls go to voice mail to give God some attention, and He is sitting right next to Him. You, with that huge device on your head, you look like you are about to land the space shuttle! You couldn't possibly be that important! Be sure to tell everyone in your cell phone address book that you are in church!

What is the deal my Hispanic/Latino friends with the Easter dresses on the children in the Laundromat in the dead of winter? There is an unwritten rule between minorities and it clearly states...There will be NO EASTER DRESSES OF ANY KIND worn in the laundromat in the dead of winter!

WHY are they called apartments when they are so close together?

Applebee's, Friday's, Chili's, and other chains, I am putting you on BLAST! It takes hours to cook ribs. It takes at least 45 minutes to bake a decent potato. Yet you manage to bring me cold food every time even with an industrialized microwave oven in the back! Everybody is always running to what I assume is the "Kitchen" and I want to know what are you all doing in the "mystery" room where the food never gets HOT?

Stop with the commercials telling me to enjoy my period. Since when has having cramps, being bloated, and eating my weight in food everyday a time to rejoice? Yeah right! I would really like to take this time to say YOU SUCK! Since I was 13, every 28 days I get to look like Shrek and eat like a football player. The first day I cry like a river and swell up like I walked through a bee hive and you have the unmitigated gall to tell me to ENJOY this? What is even more tantalizing? I get 6 more days to look forward to. Thank you!

If the traits/characteristics in African-Americans are the least desired then WHY do so many others in other cultures tan, get collagen injections, take dance lessons, butt implants etc, and the list goes on to acquire the traits of African-Americans? Just wondering?

Lately why can't I discern the difference between politicians, preachers, pimps, and porn stars?

Journalists you have really done a disservice to ALL people. I used to think you had so much integrity. Now I glean more from 30 minutes of Stephen Colbert and the Daily Show than most of the network news. Sad… you spoon-feed us garbage all for the sake of ratings. It is not News…its SNEWS pronounced (snooze)!

Panhandlers with kids STOP following me to the ATM machine with that sympathy bullcrap...and looking at me with those (deer caught in the headlight) eyes. I already told you six blocks ago "I aint got it " What more do you need, a non-sufficient funds fee statement from my bank?

Fellas I believe completely in the whole metro sexuality thing, BUT you cannot be wearing our jeans ...STOP that...it is not cute! STAY OUT OF MY SECTION OF OLD NAVY!