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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Getting Under My Skin

Sarah Palin need I say more? I can't understand a thing this woman says. It's like listening to a dyslexic Dr. Seus riddle! Don't vote for anybody just because they happen to SHARE certain parts of your anatomy (like breasts and ovaries). Vote for them because they WILL but more importantly CAN do the job! Stay away from the moose chili!

Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity & Karl Rove if these 3 guys are LOOSE in America...Tell me, who is running hell?

I'm going to attempt to explain the DIFFERENCE between a bulletin and a blog according to me. BULLETINS are short & simple. They state what you would like the reader to know in clear & concise language (usually no more than a few sentences). Think of a bullet fired from a gun or a bank robber, (in and out)! BLOGS on the other hand, are more like you receiving incoming calls on your cell phone and the plan you have includes "unlimited" minutes. You can talk all day! Some of my friends on MySpace keep sending me blogs "diguised" as bulletins, and I just wish
you would learn the difference! (LMAO)

Soccer Moms in MINIVANS stop merging into highway traffic doing 25mph. I don't know where you could possibly be going in America that slow, but I don't have time to do the speed limit on the day you want to take Biff and Muffy to the petting zoo just because it's Tuesday. You see, I'm trying to get to ComEd BEFORE they close so they won't turn my lights off! Thanks to our CURRENT President, choosing between the lights and food was a luxury today. GUESS who won? You got it ....ComEd! You, well you're just on the road taking a Sunday drive caressing the strand of pearls your husband gave you just because ...it's Tuesday! BITE ME and get in the right lane marked for the SLOW drivers that don't have ANYTHING else to do BUT the speed limit!

For those brave first timers who INSIST on trying to learn the lingo at Starbucks by going through the drive- thru of all places. Show some compassion for people with serious "Starbucks" addictions. Go inside! So that me and most of the free world can get our much needed overpriced "MEDICINE" on time!

I really HATE those SONIC commercials but I'll be damned if that food does not always look so good!

To the kids with those stupid shoes with the wheels on the back of them (heelies), get out of my d%*m way. You are going to make me kill myself. Holy crap, you scare the hell out of me! You are like a pungent STD with no penicillin in sight. Quit rolling up on the back of my d%*m ankles in the mall and Wal-Mart. MOVE before I move you, and you can tell your Momma I said that!

Pet owners pick up when your beloved Fido craps all over the freaking sidewalk. I swear between you and those d*%m kids with those heelies shoes. I feel like I'm running an obstacle course just to get anywhere anymore! Every time I leave the house it looks like I'm playing hopscotch because YOUR dog's shit is all over the side walk!

Celebs who ONLY give me the time of day only because it's Tuesday or Friday...like us "regular" people don't know by now what those two days of the week represent!

Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Andersen, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton & all you other Hollywood starlets I've created a new fragrance just for you it is called FIRECROTCH!

For goodness sakes, take your hands-free device OFF in church. Come on it's the Sabbath! I would imagine even Jesus lets His calls go to voice mail to give God some attention, and He is sitting right next to Him. You, with that huge device on your head, you look like you are about to land the space shuttle! You couldn't possibly be that important! Be sure to tell everyone in your cell phone address book that you are in church!

What is the deal my Hispanic/Latino friends with the Easter dresses on the children in the Laundromat in the dead of winter? There is an unwritten rule between minorities and it clearly states...There will be NO EASTER DRESSES OF ANY KIND worn in the laundromat in the dead of winter!

WHY are they called apartments when they are so close together?

Applebee's, Friday's, Chili's, and other chains, I am putting you on BLAST! It takes hours to cook ribs. It takes at least 45 minutes to bake a decent potato. Yet you manage to bring me cold food every time even with an industrialized microwave oven in the back! Everybody is always running to what I assume is the "Kitchen" and I want to know what are you all doing in the "mystery" room where the food never gets HOT?

Stop with the commercials telling me to enjoy my period. Since when has having cramps, being bloated, and eating my weight in food everyday a time to rejoice? Yeah right! I would really like to take this time to say YOU SUCK! Since I was 13, every 28 days I get to look like Shrek and eat like a football player. The first day I cry like a river and swell up like I walked through a bee hive and you have the unmitigated gall to tell me to ENJOY this? What is even more tantalizing? I get 6 more days to look forward to. Thank you!

If the traits/characteristics in African-Americans are the least desired then WHY do so many others in other cultures tan, get collagen injections, take dance lessons, butt implants etc, and the list goes on to acquire the traits of African-Americans? Just wondering?

Lately why can't I discern the difference between politicians, preachers, pimps, and porn stars?

Journalists you have really done a disservice to ALL people. I used to think you had so much integrity. Now I glean more from 30 minutes of Stephen Colbert and the Daily Show than most of the network news. Sad… you spoon-feed us garbage all for the sake of ratings. It is not News…its SNEWS pronounced (snooze)!

Panhandlers with kids STOP following me to the ATM machine with that sympathy bullcrap...and looking at me with those (deer caught in the headlight) eyes. I already told you six blocks ago "I aint got it " What more do you need, a non-sufficient funds fee statement from my bank?

Fellas I believe completely in the whole metro sexuality thing, BUT you cannot be wearing our jeans ...STOP that...it is not cute! STAY OUT OF MY SECTION OF OLD NAVY!

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