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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Amber Alert: Missing Famly

Families all around the world will loiter around kitchen tables in a few weeks chugging eggnog and sugar cookies. If your family is anything like mine, hopefully that eggnog will be spiked. Does the drama plaguing your family remind you of a big white elephant standing in the room that everyone pretends they don’t see? Come on don’t deny the tension that fills the room when your wealthy Aunt Martha drops by with her spoiled brats in tow making anyone not in her tax bracket feel cheap. Grandma Mary’s stuffing is heavenly, but she detests Aunt Jan’s husband because she thinks Uncle Bob is a bum. Please don’t act like the family isn’t gossiping about Kelly who just delivered her 5th baby out of wedlock. Kelly always knows where the party is but can’t remember to buy a box of condoms. Oh and Cousin Mike who will sleep with any woman with a pulse, will probably saunter in with his latest scantily clad fling. The whole family knows Diane doesn’t have anything to do with her own children but is forever acting like that mom on the Sunny Delight commercials. And who can forget Cousin Pat the crack head giving the annual “I’m Getting Myself Together” speech right before he gives your purse the 10 finger discount.
I don’t care as much for the holidays anymore. I guess the novelty wore off when I discovered Santa Claus drove a Buick and worked at a chemical plant. Maybe it’s because my family is and has been estranged for many years. Oh we put on good front pretending we’re a close knit group but there is definitely some disconnect. I humbly submit for your consideration that Amber Alerts be issued for missing families. What a novel idea huh? What does a happy family look like? Can you spot a knock off? It’s simple you compare the knock off to the original. It’s been years though since I saw my family happy. I’ll need viable clues if I am to aid law enforcement in finding them. In the place of my relatives are these cheap imitations trying to pass themselves off as the real thing? It’s only Thursday if you happen to find yourself alone this Thanksgiving huh? Amber Alerts should be issued right in time for the holidays so no family member has to be. I hope your family this Holiday Season is found safe.


  1. Oh, this is so true. I sometimes almost dread the holidays. Boy do I love my family. Boy do I hate the drama. It's only few times a year I get to them enjoy them though. Thanks for reminding us of the importance of family

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  3. Things will never be like they were when I was a child, but I still look forward to the "feeling" I get around the holidays nonetheless. Thanks for sharing...funny stuff!

  4. I really enjoyed reading that. Its nice to know that I am not the only one who might be surrounded by a bunch of individuals who share my DNA, but not my definition of what a family is. Its scary how accurate it is too, lol.

    Great blog. I look forward to coming back.

  5. everyone in my family is in the Philippines, the only ones here in China are my hubby, my son and myself. i miss our exchange gifts every Christmas, but sad to say, China doesn't celebrate Christmas the way we do back home... (sob)

    anyway, i saw u comment in One Minute Writer and thought of inviting you to visit my blog and share your thoughts. would appreciate it if u can...




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