Friday, January 25, 2013
I hope I don't scare you too much, it's Friday night, I am exhausted and my makeup is stale! I've always believed how we keep our cars, houses, our desks at work is a direct reflection of where we are spiritually. My closet isnt that bad, but it needs some work, just like my heart. I have no idea where to start, and what needs to stay? What needs to go? I doubt I will get it all done tonght, but I recognize that it must be done!
Forgive how crappy I look and sound.. I've had the same bad cold for a few weeks now. I lost the one thing about me that truly made me speciaI. I had my heart broke, I lost loved ones, and I got a bad doctors report. For all my loss, I also gained! The last few weeks of 2012, I didn't think I'd make it out alive! This is my first video of 2013! It's pretty long. In trying to express myself, I get sidetracked by emotion. 2012 kicked my behind for sure!. I learned so much and I came away from last year with a greater appreciation for Grace and Mercy. I saw it demonstrated in my life like never before. God spared me, I can't thank Him enough, but I have to try!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Today I heard a song that helped me “get back up” so to speak. It was “I’m Still Breathing” by Toni Braxton. I’ve had this album forever, but instead of listening to the same 4 tracks, I played them all. When I heard this song, I exhaled deeply. As I type this blog entry, it’s still on repeat. The lyrics are washing over me, reminding me that I am yet alive. The vigor in which I normally approach life has been markedly absent, and if I had to pick one thing that has suffered from my neglect, it would be my writing. Writer’s block is usually my go to excuse when I can’t put pen to paper, but writer’s block would not be the scapegoat this time. I simply lost my passion, my enthusiasm, my get-up-and-go for a lot of things all at once.
I’ve been in a fog it seems without a flashlight fumbling around in stark darkness for months, but today I think may have felt the smallest hint of light. It was cloudy, dark, rainy day today, but somehow that light poked a hole in those clouds just big enough for me to see and more importantly, feel. Light, I haven’t seen or felt in so long, allowed me to see just how bruised I am. My shoulders, slumped, my heart, heavy, my mind, weighed down, my appetite, gone, my smile, gone. Now I was in an abusive relationship before, so I know how to put makeup on a black eye, a busted lip or a purple and blue arm. What does one do though when it’s your heart, your self- esteem, your feelings? What does one do when he or she is fighting against themselves? If you’ve been paying any attention to my YouTube channel, my tweets, or my Facebook statuses, then you would know that I’ve been going through it.
There have been so many hurts in my life, and I think somehow they have all forced me to live my life always on the defensive. I smile a lot because smiles tend to hide a lot especially when one has as many teeth as I do. This morning as I showered, I thought that it would probably be safe to cry in the shower because no one but me would know. My tears would trickle down my face, blending with the water and none would be the wiser. I wouldn’t allow myself to cry then. I just held myself as tight as I could as the hot water erased the tension in my shoulders. I dressed, and used the last of my concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I had some errands to run, and I could feel “it” coming. I made it to my car just in time and I allowed myself one simple luxury. I allowed myself to cry. I cried! I cried! I cried! It wasn’t a cute cry either it was undignified, unsightly and ugly right there in the Target parking lot. My body felt as though it merely collapsed against my steering wheel. I couldn’t do anything except grip the steering wheel and hold on for the ride finally letting go would take me on. What started as a controlled sob turned into ghastly sounds I still can’t begin to define. I thought the tears would never stop, but they did eventually. I sat in that parking lot for hours. I thought if I got “it all out, I wouldn’t have to bring it back in my house again. I guess being strong takes its toll and it beckons those of us who think we’re strong to relish in being in a weakened state even if it’s just momentarily. Crying today didn’t mean I was weak, it meant I’m alive. I’m not at all sure what God does with our tears, but I can’t wait to see how He recycles mine.
Monday, October 15, 2012
There isn’t enough ink or paper in the world to accurately describe how off course I am. All the dreams, all the plans, and all the goals I started this year with seem to have fallen by the wayside. I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t pinpoint an exact date, but clearly I lost momentum several months ago. Now, weeks before this year is over, I feel as if the world has passed me by and I can’t seem to catch up. I can’t catch up because I honestly can’t seem to muster up the energy. I mean even if I took off running, I’d still be behind.
Lord, as I sit here and type, I wonder if 2013 will be better. I wonder if all the things I so desperately want and need can find their way to me. I wonder why everything seems so far from my grasp. I wonder why I am not able to stand up for myself the way I have in the past. I wonder why I’m not sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. I wonder where my inner strength is. I wonder why I want what“they” have. I wonder why I feel like a prop in everybody else’s story. I wonder where the man who is supposed to love and cherish me is. I wonder where the resources to get “it” all done are. I wonder what will come from all the tears I’ve cried. I wonder if the people who still hurt me ever think about how I’m doing. I wonder why I can’t sleep. I wonder why my smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes anymore. I wonder where my appetite for life is. I wonder why even what’s within reach, still seems so far. I wonder how I got here. I wonder how long I’ll stay here. I wonder why “it” hasn’t happened for me. I wonder what I did wrong. I wonder how long will I wait by the phone. I wonder why God won’t just do what I ask. I wonder how much longer. I wonder if the heartbreak I’m headed for will destroy me. I wonder if I’ll ever be completely whole. I wonder if anybody out there truly cares that I’m lost. I wonder how I’ll get through the holidays alone. I wonder where all the people heaven put in place for me are hiding. I wonder if the world will hear the songs I’ve written. I wonder why I put my heart in harm’s way again. I wonder where my voice is. I wonder why I still believe. I wonder if heaven will read my entry today and step in to help.
Lord, maybe, just maybe the fact that I’m wondering about so many things means I have hope. I wonder!
Amazed by Your Grace!
Monday, October 8, 2012
I read this last week and I thought it was interesting!
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. ~Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "The valley would give you the best view of the mountain!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You'd see grace from the receivers point of view!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "My mistake would be A reason to pray, not AMMUNITION to ADD to your ARSENAL!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "Your situation would only know you by your smile!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "God's timing would be the reason you don't wear a watch!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "Lack would be one of those bad 4 letter words you didn't use!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "Your faith would be noticeable even in trouble!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "Your way would be crossed off the map!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You'd see the wind as the fastest way to be pushed into God's will!
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You'd know triumph was on the other side of trouble!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "What the world is doing would have no bearing on what God has already done!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "There would be a consistent cadence in your Christian walk!" IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "Your alleged "haters" would know you love them!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "The least of these would be foremost in your thoughts!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You'd know joy and happiness are two entirely different things!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "Waiting on God would be a pleasure!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You'd be less inclined to tear the other person down!"'
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You couldn't in good conscience, share your bed with anyone you weren't married to!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You'd have no time to try and uncover what I was before I knew Him!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "Your Bible would be raggedy!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "What the Pastor drove would hardly concern you!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "You'd trust God with your tithe!"
IfUKnewWhoUWereInChrist "There's no way you'd be shacking up!"